ADJUST YOUR EMOTIONS LIKE A THERMOSTAT

Some people have encounter a lot of internal conflict within themselves. They yearn to be happy but believe their happiness lie in the arms of others. They may not accept this fact when confronted but if they look within, they'll discover they lean so much on others for happiness.

They care a lot about what people would think of them in certain situations more than how they would feel about themselves after embarking on solutions to such situations. I used to be one of such people. i know how it hurts to be rejected when all you want is love from others. But i later realized the truth.

If you don't love yourself, no one will love you the way you want to be loved. Our parents could be the cause of this feeling. Choosing our sibling over us in terms of love, care and confidence. They might have said you are good for nothing. That is not true. You are good for something. It's just sad enough they never saw beyond their noses.
Most of us have grown with that feeling. Some believe they can't do anything right. Some fidget when they are asked to make decisions. Instead of giving someone else the keys to your life to shuffle how about taking back the keys and re-arranging the rooms in your life your family, society and even you must have scattered. People who have made it in life don't have more heads than you do.
Here's an excerpt i got from Tom Steven's article. Enjoy!


Happiness is not caused by external conditions.
Happiness measures the harmonious functioning of our brain--
how optimally it is challenged and how much it is learning.

Overchallenge causes overarousal emotions like anxiety and anger.
Underchallenge causes underarousal emotions like
boredom and depression.

We can adjust our emotions like a thermostat
by adjusting the challenge level.
Belief in mental control seems like magic,
because that belief alone helps get control.

The six mental control strategies give you
basic tools to achieve mental control.

Learn how to CHUG-OFF

when you need to adjust your emotional thermostat.

CHOICE (Replace or convert the situation),

HARMONY (of motives through self-exploration),

UNDERSTANDING (the situation and creating a road map),

GOALS (To lower anxiety, set goals LAPDS--
lower, process, dynamic, alternative, simple),

OPTIMISM (that I can eventually be happy no matter what the outcome),

FOCUS (on the ball and ultimate concern).
Through strengthening your Higher Self and increased mental control,

YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

BEYOND FEAR OF REJECTION.

WHAT CAUSES FEAR OF REJECTION? By Tom G. Stevens. Ph.D





Do you feel uncomfortable in situations such as meeting new people, speaking in front of groups, dealing with someone who is upset, having to tell someone about a mistake, or divulging your inner feelings? Fear of rejection may underlie all of these situations. If you really value other people and how they feel about you, it is natural that you would feel some fear of rejection. Whenever there is the possibility for actual rejection, most people feel some fear. Fear of rejection is increased by the importance of the other person to you, by your perceived inexperience or lack of skill in dealing with the situation, and by other factors.

However, some people suffer more intense levels of rejection for longer periods in their life than other people. Deeper issues such as those listed below may be increasing your fear of rejection.

FEAR OF REJECTION AS FEAR OF BEING ALONE
Underlying your fear of rejection might be a fear of being or living alone. You might fear ending up all alone in the world with no one who really cares.

FEAR OF BEING ALONE AS FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS ALONE
The thought of being all alone in the world is not in itself something to panic about. While some people panic at the thought--others delight at the thought. If you believe that you can take care of your own needs well and be happy even if you are alone, then being alone is nothing to fear. If you believe that you need others to take care of you and "make" you happy, then you are too dependent on others and their absence is something to "panic" about.

PRACTICE:
Examine the degree to which you can create your own happiness--even when alone. Examine how too much dependence on others for happiness can undermine your feelings of confidence with others and lead to fear of rejection.

FEAR OF REJECTION AS NEGATIVE FEEDBACK ABOUT WHO YOU ARE

If your self-image is too closely tied to what others think of you or how well you relate to others, then fear of rejection can be a threat to your whole self-image. That in itself can create a lot of anxiety. If you are used to defining the core of your Self or your future as "popular," "married," "well-liked," "a leader," or the like, then you threats to any of these self-concepts may create a great deal of anxiety. Or you may view your life script as being married, having children, or having a number of close friends. To the degree that any of those expectations are threatened, and you cannot see how you can be happy without them, then you will experience anxiety.

How can you overcome fear of rejection due to threat to your self-image or life script? You must define yourself and your essence in a way that does not depend upon what others think. For example, if you define yourself as someone whose main goals are to seek happiness for yourself and others; treat others kindly, honestly, and assertively; be a person of integrity; and not worry about other's reactions to you, then meeting your primary goals will not be dependent upon what others think. Your happiness will be in your control, and you will feel much more secure.

On the other hand if you define yourself primarily as someone who must be loved and accepted by others, then your happiness will be in their control and you will always fell insecure and anxious at some deep level. For more help on self-esteem, Go to Chapter 5 on self-esteem in You Can Choose To Be Happy .

PRACTICE:

(1) Make a list of at least 10 important general characteristics of yourself.

(2) Examine items on that list which are "interpersonal" in nature. How would you feel about yourself if all of these were threatened at once. Could you still love, respect, and take good care of yourself and still be a happy person? If not, then try to re-examine what changes need to take place in your beliefs about yourself to become less dependent upon others and their view of you.




FACTORS AFFECTING YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE and ATTACHMENT TO OTHERS

(The higher your "attachment," the higher your fear of rejection!)

The more emotionally "attached" you become to someone--the more important you believe they are to you--the more anxiety you will create about losing them. One of the best ways to control your fear of rejection is to not get overly attached to someone. The following factors are especially important sources of attachment that is too much, too soon.

1. HOW "SPECIAL" THE OTHER PERSON IS

--the more you want to be wanted by them, the more anxiety it will cause. Many people develop a fantasy or script about what love should be like. For example many people expect to marry their "first love," or the person that they have called their "soul mate." Letting yourself develop and fantasize about the future with a person increases attachment and anxiety about the expectations or plans not coming true. Any little event that makes the plan seem likely makes you feel elated; any event that makes it seem unlikely makes you feel devastated. You can get on an emotional roller-coaster, dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in the relationship. You may then drive the person away by being too emotional or needy.

To prevent this emotional roller-coaster, don't develop the expectations prematurely. Don't fantasize and plan for the future prematurely. Always know that it may not work out and have alternative plans that you know you can be happy with.

2. BELIEVING ONLY ONE PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU

The fact is that many people who thought someone was the only person for them and thought their life was ruined because they could not be with that person later found someone else with whom they were much happier. Remind yourself that, no matter how much you may feel that is the only person for you, you can be wrong!

3. HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE IN YOUR ABILITY TO HELP CREATE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

The less confident you are that you can create a happy relationship or get a person like you want, the more likely you are:

(1) to pick someone with whom you will not be satisfied. Or you may wait for others to approach you. People who tend to use or dominate you may be the very type of more outgoing people who will seek you. Then you may later wonder why you keep getting into relationships with people who don't treat you well. Learn to be active in the process of meeting others and getting involved in a relationship. Keep the initiation of mutual activities closer to a 50-50 level, and don't just go along for the ride when you are seeing red flags.

(2) to pick someone who "needs" you to take care of them, because they do not take care of themselves well. Frequently in a codependent relationship, the codependent partner believes his/her "weak" partner is so dependent upon them that they will not leave them. The codependent partner may also believe that he/she is not very attractive and believes he/she could not attract someone as attractive as this irresponsible partner if the other was not so needy. They are not willing to risk finding someone who is not needy, who would only want them for how much they enjoyed being with them.

They are afraid no one they would want would really be attracted to them or stay with them. If you are one of these people, it is important to test that assumption. You probably have many other desirable qualities another would love that you don’t appreciate about yourself. See the section below on "stereotypes". Also, if you really believe that you do not know how to create fun and happiness for yourself, you may want to work on that. That could make a difference in attracting a more fun loving, happy person if that is the type of person you want.

4. SHARING EVENTS--ESPECIALLY CONVERSATIONAL AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY

Sharing life events increases attachment. Just being together in a variety of circumstances seems to build some degree of closeness. However, sharing important life events, sharing of one's innermost feelings and thoughts, and physical intimacy are powerful forces that can lead to very strong "attachment" (to the degree that these events are positive). If you have gained a high degree of intimacy, that is great! However, it does not mean that you can't find it with someone else. On the contrary, it means that you have learned how to be intimate, and your chances are very high that you can find at least that much intimacy again. Most often people move into better--not worse--relationships after one has ended.

SUMMARY:

Some "do"s and "don't"s to keep from getting too attached too early.

Constantly remind yourself, "I want to control my anxiety and fear of rejection. Don't get too attached too early."

Question thoughts like, "This is the only person I can be happy with." · Don't fantasize about the future with this person.

Avoid sexual involvement that is too early (before strong, reciprocal relationship factors are satisfactory).

Don't focus all your thoughts and fantasies on this one person--especially before you have established a strong dating relationship. Fantasize about a variety of people (even movie stars, or imaginary people) so that you relate to this person as a real person--not as a fantasy.


WHO IS THE "RIGHT" PERSON FOR YOU--

WHO WILL REALLY WANT JUST YOU?
RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY
HIERARCHY
There are many levels of closeness and intimacy with other people. Examples include: marriage, closest family and friends, close friends, friends, friends for specific needs (eg. work, bowling, church), acquaintances. There are many differences between different levels of intimacy. The amount of physical and communication intimacy, time spent together, commitment, sharing, helping each other, etc. will vary with each level.

Every person you contact in your life has some maximum potential level for achieving intimacy with you. This maximum level will depend upon many factors. Many people have the potential for lower levels of intimacy (such as acquaintance), but few have the potential for the highest levels (such as marriage). The fact that a person only achieves a certain level does not mean that the relationship "failed"--it merely achieved its maximum potential level of intimacy and could go no further.

IT'S OK THAT MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DATE ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON

How many people out of 10,000 people in the appropriate age and sex group would you really want as your "significant other"? How many are really right for you? Most people you meet/date will not be a good enough match, so why beat yourself up when the relationships end. The relationship was almost certainly a mismatch.

Instead, try to understand the reasons the relationship ended. To what degree was it due to differences between the two of you? If the reasons partly include that you haven't acted in ways consistent with your own standards for yourself, then change your thinking and actions for the next person .

THERE ARE MANY "RIGHT" PEOPLE

If you believe that only one person is "right" for you, then you will become extremely dependent upon that person. Putting a person on a pedestal like this will most likely lead to dependent feelings and behavior that actually causes both of you to be unhappy. You may try so hard to please and keep that "person you can't live without" that you end up losing your sense of freedom to be yourself and giving up your own happiness. In turn you will become increasingly unattractive to your "pedestal" person.

THE MAIN FACTORS CAUSING A PERSON TO WANT TO BE WITH YOU ARE INHERENT IN WHO YOU ARE!

Even though this may seem obvious, this is a very powerful statement! The factors that affect how much one person is attracted to another include the following:

General beliefs and values: cultural, religious, moral, political, family, sexual, etc.

Background: culture, family, career, education, organizations, etc.

Relationship factors: previous history, control style (dominant-submissive or assertive), problem-solver, conversational style, empathy, independence-dependence, emotional expressiveness, playfulness, romantic style, liberated-traditional sex roles, etc.

Interests: career, cultural, music, sports, education, romantic, etc.

Personal characteristics and habits: honesty, responsibility, ambition, achievement, caring/understanding, openness, emotionality, independence, self-esteem, positiveness, cleanliness, orderliness, stability, assertiveness, adventurousness, sense of humor, etc.

Personal problems and bad habits (big TURN-OFFs to almost everyone): addictions, dishonesty, cheating, withdrawal, suspiciousness, irresponsible, cruel, aggressive, extremely dominating or needy, emotionally out of control, etc.


The above factors are the kinds of factors that will be the major determinants of whether you and another person will be happy together. Most of these factors are determined by parts of yourself that are highly stable over many years. You probably don't want to change most of these aspects of yourself. If you just act naturally, you will reveal these true aspects of yourself to your partner (and vice-versa). Your partner will accept or reject you on the basis of how well these factors match their own factors (and vice-versa). Therefore it should be clear that nature tends to bring people together or apart on the basis of who they really are, so why try to hide?

Research and clinical experience shows that overall, the more alike partners are-especially in aspects important to the partners-the more likely the relationship will succeed and be happy.

If your partner is "right" for you, he/she will like you as you really are, and they will be attracted to you. Out there somewhere are probably many potential partners who are a lot like you! These are the people who will be naturally attracted to you. Think about it for a minute. How would you feel about being with a partner who is a lot like you in most important aspects?

HOW DO YOU ATTRACT A PERSON WHO IS "RIGHT" FOR YOU?

CREATING A HAPPY YOU, CREATES A CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU

Learning how to create your own happiness alone is a key part of building self-confidence and overcoming fears of rejection and loneliness. As long as you do not believe that you can create your own happiness and enjoy life alone, then you will be less confident and more dependent on others' creating your happiness. This dependence makes being in a relationship much more important, and therefore increases anxiety about being alone and increases fears of rejection. For example I have had many clients who thought they could only be happy if they get married and have a family. Yet some were fearing age would overtake their ability to have children, and no partner was in sight. They developed a terror of not having their happy family dream come true and living their lives alone. That fear caused a desperate need to marry. They became very "needy," manipulative, and scared potential partners away. As their desperation rose, their chances sank.

They escaped the catch by learning how to be at peace with the thoughts that they might never be married and might live alone the rest of their lives. They learned how to take care of themselves and how to be happy alone. The irony is that once they didn’t need marriage so much, they were much more likely to get married. Because now they were less fearful and "needy" and more confident and relaxed.

How to become happier alone. If you don't have many interests which you enjoy alone, it is important to begin exploring and finding more. If you have few interests that you can do alone, because you have spent most of your life either with other people or doing what others wanted you to do, then it is especially important for your own independence that you explore new potential interests. You can learn to like activities you currently don't like. Remember this, if many other people love this activity there must be some fun in it. All you need to do is learn how to enjoy it.

Many activities are difficult to enjoy until you have learned the basics about how to participate in them. Most sports are that way, but even music and the theater can take some time to appreciate. Don't give up easily. Give the new activity a chance over a reasonable period of time.

Many people hate to do things alone, so they refrain from activities. A common reason is that they are afraid of what others will think about their coming alone. However, if you continue to do activities alone, you can eventually desensitize yourself to most of those fears.

Career interests, sports, music and the arts, reading, entertainment events, hobbies, do-it-yourself projects, taking classes, walks, shopping, bike rides, or taking oneself out for dinner are but a few examples of activities people do to entertain themselves.

Initiating activities with other people and joining organizations are examples of ways that you can create your own happiness with others without being in an exclusive relationship.

Finally, if you are generally happy and enjoy life, your positiveness and happiness can help them be happier as well. And that will make you more attractive to anyone who wants to be happy themselves..


CREATING A HAPPY OTHER, CREATES AN ATTRACTIVE YOU

You are attractive to another person to the degree that that person perceives you as potentially contributing to their happiness. You are not responsible for their happiness, you are only being yourself and giving gift of your presence and actions. You are only hoping these gifts will contribute to their happiness. Each person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness.

PRACTICE:1) List all of the characteristics you want in another person. 2) Make a "RELATIONSHIP RESUME" which describes all of your personal beliefs, attributes, interests, communication skills, which might be important in appealing to the type of person you wish to be with or marry. 3) If you want to better create your own happiness, add exploration of new interests to your "to do" list.

=> To get a personal assessment on relationship and happiness factors go to: http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success
Return to Index

WHAT STOPS YOU FROM APPROACHING OTHERS OR BEING YOURSELF WITH THEM?

1. EXCUSES
Self-labels that prevent action. "I'M TOO...shy, heavy, boring, quiet, intellectual, much of a loner, afraid, conservative, inexperienced, clumsy, nervous, emotional, demanding, afraid of intimacy, ETC.

PRACTICE:
Make a list of the labels that stop you from approaching others or being yourself. Then take each one and decide the degree to which you intend to change it or to accept it as it is. Keep in mind that there are many happily married persons who fit all of the above descriptions and realize that, you are looking for someone who would be happy with a person just like you.

External events or commitments that keep you from pursuing a relationship now. The difference between an EXCUSE and a CONSCIOUS CHOICE is whether or not you are being honest with yourself about all of your underlying motives. If you are avoiding involvement primarily because of fear of rejection or failure, then that is very different from saying that you are doing it because you are too busy.

It is ok not to be in a relationship or looking for one. You may want to be alone now. If you want to pursue other parts of your life and develop yourself into the person you want to be, that can be very healthy for building your own self-esteem and relationship potential. When you are ready for a relationship, you will be more the person who will be attractive to the type of person you want. If you aren't happy with yourself now, you might be wise to focus on that first!

PRACTICE:
If you are not sure whether you are being honest with yourself about doing what might be helpful to improve a relationship or meet someone, try getting in touch with underlying feelings and beliefs, exploring new creative alternatives and possible outcomes. Then make a conscious decision based upon your true underlying motives.

2. STEREOTYPES OF POTENTIAL PARTNERS

Women's stereotypes. Women often say they can't find a men who can be both (1) sensitive to their feelings, romantic, loving, and fun and also (2) responsible, somewhat confident, and somewhat successful in their education and/or career. Women often think that men are "only interested in sex or the size of my breasts," "say they want an equal relationship, but are afraid of successful women". These are a few of the more common stereotypes that may fit many men, but also don't fit many others. Don't accept someone with whom you can't be happy. After all, what difference does it make if other men are that way if the man you're with isn't.

Men's stereotypes. Many men think that most women are primarily interested in money, expensive cars, restaurants, and gifts. Or, that they only want a man who is extremely good looking and charming with a good line (can make a good impression, but would make a poor partner).

PRACTICE:
Make a list of your stereotypes which prevent you from approaching others or being yourself. Identify ways that you try to put up a front to make a good impression based upon your stereotypes. For example you may believe that you have to constantly be clever and funny because that is what you think women/men are looking for. In fact you may be turning the other person off, because you are being "phoney" and not intimate about who you really are. You are making the mistake of underestimating the person you are with. You think that they can't handle honesty as well as you.

Treat potential partners as if he/she were as mature as you
and as if he/she were the kind of person you would want.
(Then you will probably be more attractive to them.)

3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE EVALUATION BIAS

The low self-confidence evaluation bias means underestimating how well people like you. A research study at the University of Oregon had single women evaluate their conversations with single men. The women evaluated the men on a number of variables including if they would like to go out with them. To their surprise low-frequency dating men performed just as well as high-frequency dating men in actual ratings by the women. However, the low-frequency dating men UNDERESTIMATED how well the women liked them, and the high-frequency dating men OVERESTIMATED how well they were liked. This became a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY. The men who overestimated how well they were liked would go ahead and ask the women for a date, while the ones who underestimated how well they were liked, didn't.

Conclusion: If you have low self-confidence in how others perceive you, then you are probably UNDERESTIMATING how much they like you. As a result, you don't approach people as much as you would like. If you start OVERESTIMATING their reactions, you may approach more people and have greater success..

INTERNAL CHANGES TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES
FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

FOCUS ON THOUGHTS SUCH AS THE FOLLOWING:

You can create your own happiness and take care of yourself-You don't NEED (must have) anyone else to do it for you. .

Love yourself unconditionally the way you are. Even though you may never be the person you would ideally like, learn to let go of "shoulds." Instead (1) replace the "shoulds" with "wants," and (2) learn that your basic self-worth begins with loving yourself unconditionally because you are alive and a human being. You can love yourself despite any imperfections and accept those imperfections as part of yourself. You can also believe that someone like you could love you the way you are now (despite any imperfections), you don't have to wait until you are prefect before you seek a relationship. Go to self-esteem chapter.

Attempt to focus on being your "higher self" while dealing with other people (vs. trying to be what you think others want you to be). Putting your higher self in control means choosing to think and act out of empathy and love for self and others, seeking happiness for self and others, seeking win-win solutions, etc. Go to higher self chapter.

Seek those who will like you as you really are. Choose to be closest friends with those who know all about you and like/love you the way you are. Reveal your inner feelings and thoughts more honestly with potentially close friends. This openness will show confidence and acceptance of yourself, reveal trust in the other, and serve as a test to see if the other can accept you as you are. If they can't accept you as you are, then they don't make very good candidates for close relationships. (Don't be so open and honest with people you have reason not to trust.)

If you have been successful before, you can be successful again. If you are feeling discouraged about finding someone or feeling bad about yourself and if you have had close friends, relatives, or relationships in the past, remember that at least one other person liked you the way you are. You know you can develop another relationship at least as good as one of those. If you have grown since then, you will probably have a better relationship.

You may want to change for yourself. If you think you aren't yet the person you believe will attract the kind of person you want, then perhaps you need to make your first priority becoming that person. Focus on being the person you want to be as much as possible.

The person you are or want to be will be very attractive to the type of person who is "right" for you. Would you be attracted to someone else who also was like you?




THOUGHTS and ACTIONS TO OVERCOME FEARS OF REJECTION and
INCREASE CHANCES FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

HAPPINESS RULE

Try following the happiness rule: Seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support your being the person you want to be. Many of these people will be similar to the type of person you really want to be. Avoid spending too much time with people who take away from being that kind of person.

SELF-SELECTING RULE

Follow the self-selecting rule: Be the person you really want AND tell others your true inner feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are "right" for closer relationships from those who are not. For example, if you meet Sally (who is not potentially a close friend) and hide who you really are from her, it may take her a long time to find out what you are really like and reject you. In this case you have both wasted a lot of time. If you present yourself honestly and openly from the beginning, you will attract or repel people much faster. This saves a lot of time.

Incidentally, a bonus of this approach is that most people prefer honesty and the self-love and self-confidence that openness reveals, so you may be more appealing to more people.

GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN

Focus on your actions not their reactions. An important lesson about anxiety is that when we focus on external outcomes that are beyond our immediate control, we give up control of our emotions and will begin to feel anxious and helpless. The same is true in meeting people, approaching people, talking to people, trying to help people, trying to entertain people, etc. If you focus on their evaluation or approval of you, spending time with you, giving back to you, or any other reaction outside your control, you increase your anxiety and helplessness.

Therefore, focus on approaching people, being friendly, your talking and listening, your openness and honesty, your assertiveness, and your thinking positive thoughts. You can control what you think and do. The result will be that you are setting attainable goals that you have control over. Knowing that can give you peace.

In the long run, you may not want invest much energy in a relationship if you do not receive enough of what you want. However, in the short run, focus on your actions as ends in themselves to "practice your act" and be the kind of person in a relationship that you want to be. Eventually others will respond positively as you get better at it and as you approach the right people.

Also, say this to yourself, "My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)--since it is now theirs." It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.

INVITATIONS AS GIFTS

Do you ever feel anxiety about inviting someone to do something with you? If so, try viewing your invitation as a gift in the spirit just discussed above. It is a gift in two ways: (1) it is a compliment to the other person that you care enough about them and find them attractive enough to give the invitation and (2) your time is a gift which is offered to them. Thus even if they reject the offer to spend time together, they still have received the gift of the compliment. Accordingly, start stating your invitations more as compliments." EXAMPLE: "Mark, I've really enjoyed talking with you, I would really like for us to get together again soon." This is a very effective and efficient way to give an invitation.

ASSERTION TRAINING

Learn the difference between non-assertive behavior ("I lose, you win"--passive, indirect, avoidance); aggressive behavior."I win, you lose"--dominating, controlling, selfish); and assertive ("win-win"-caring, calm, understanding, diplomatic, honest, but direct and firm behavior). The most successful relationships are assertive-assertive ones.

Learn how to be both an understanding listener who looks deeply into important issues and someone who can communicate my own feelings in a direct, caring, and diplomatic manner to others. Go to the free self-help brochures on Assertion training, intimacy, and communication.

CHECK OUT
University Counseling Center Self-Instructional Videos to build Interpersonal skills in MEETING PEOPLE, DATING, ASSERTIVENESS, AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Hundreds have increased their meeting people, dating, and assertiveness skills with these videotapes. Ask receptionist.

ROMANCE TRAINING

Men and women often differ considerably in their knowledge and expectations about romance. One survey found that 94% of romance novels are read by women. Women gain a lot of knowledge and expectations from their reading, watching romantic movies, and talking with each other. Many men could learn more about what women want simply by going to romantic movies, reading some romantic books, or just asking women what they think is romantic. Also, anyone can buy books that give tips about how to be romantic.

Most men feel inadequate in the romance area, but won't admit it to anyone. Instead many just belittle romance as being unimportant or avoid dealing with it by saying, "I'm not the romantic type." However, anyone can add romance to their relationships. Anyone can buy cards, flowers, give compliments, be affectionate, take someone to a romantic setting, enjoy a sunset together, learn to dance, or go to romantic movies. Above all, ask your partner what he/she wants and what he/she thinks is romantic, and then be open for developing a more "romantic" outlook and actions. It can add a lot of fun and intimacy to your relationship and make you more sexually desirable.

If you want your partner to be romantic, remember that he/she may feel insecure in that area and be very sensitive to criticism. So use a positive approach as much as possible. Tell your partner how important romance is to you, be specific about what actions you think are romantic, and praise your partner for any romantic attempt (never make fun of attempts). Say, "How romantic," not "its about time you bought me some flowers."



RELATIONSHIP RESUME'

Make your own relationship resume.
(1) It will help you become aware of what you have to offer in a relationship as well as what you want from a potential partner. It may also help you identify problem areas or areas you want to develop more.
(2) You can use this as a guide to make a plan of what you want potential partners to know about you (as soon as possible) to help "sell" you to someone who has similar values and criteria for what they are looking for. These can also be useful for answering "dating ads."

For each category below, fill in aspects of yourself that relate to that category.

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION
Name, age, ethnic, etc.

EDUCATION AND OCCUPATIONAL INFORMATION
Accomplishments (Education, Work Experience, etc.)

Goals (major) and why

INTEREST, FUN, RECREATION Observer (TV, movies., cultural events, stereo music)
Active (aerobics, tennis, dancing, golf, biking)
Romanic (romantic walks, music candlelight, flowers, card, gifts )
Parlor games (Trivial Pursuit, cards)
Hobbies (photography, painting, computers, etc.)
Intellectual interests (science, history, literature, philosophy, religion, computers, psychology )

PEOPLE Family (all about them)
Friends & social activities, interests

COMMUNICATION SKILLS & HABITS - intimacy (openness, honesty)
- affectionate
- empathetic understanding
- assertive (friendly, fair, diplomatic)
- desire equality vs. traditional male-female

BELIEFS and PERSONALITY FACTORS -honesty/integrity
-optimism/positive attitude and point of view
-self-esteem/confident
-independent/self-reliant
-cooperative
-friendly
-sense of humor
-hard-working/motivated/ambitious
-complimentary vs. critical
-assertive vs aggressive or non-assertive
-good emotional control
-reliability
-spiritual/religious values
-material/monetary values
-family or people-related values
-career/education-oriented values
-self-development values
-giving vs self-centered
-any addictions or bad habits

How to survive the unthinkable - being rejected from a relationship

Putting the pieces back together again - when 'We' becomes 'I' again


No one escapes the pain caused by rejection. Time comes when, for no obvious incident and reason, another person turned against us and throws some unkind remark. Rejection is an inevitable part of our life and it can be one of the greatest fears that can cause utmost damage to our personality and to our life. When someone rejects us, we have a propensity to feel so small, unloved, worthless, very much insecure and insignificant. We even lose our self-confidence oftentimes and worse, rejection could lead us in doing something disgraceful like some form of vengeance. But it all boils down to one thing – the truth that whoever we are and no matter how tough you may be, being rejected really hurts.

Rejection comes in various forms and may occur even in the smallest ways. But whatever the situation is, we always tend to blame ourselves for being rejected even if we know that it is the other person’s problem and not ours. The way we deal with rejection is really important in helping us uphold our self-respect and dignity. And this is the reason why there are lots of writings in the magazines, in books and even in the net, regarding how to handle rejection. Since rejection happens in many ways, info on how to handle rejection also varies. There are articles that contain steps on how to handle rejection from a loved one, how to handle rejection from significant others, how to handle rejection on dating, how to handle rejection on marriage, how to handle rejection for writers and a lot more tips on how to handle rejection from various persons and in different situations.

Unfortunately, we cannot stay away from rejection but we must keep in mind that it can be destructive only if we internalize it and permit it to go through our belief system. It is truly important to be equipped with knowledge on how to handle rejection because it will help us accept ourselves. Aside from that, learning the correct way on how to handle rejection can help us easily overcome the feeling of being worthless, lack of self-esteem, and our failure to build healthy relationships with other persons.

Being rejected is really a painful experience that can oftentimes stop us from doing the things that we have to. So if we you want to learn how to handle rejection, here are some steps. Have confidence. If you consider rejection as a curse, then confidence can heal it. If you have self-confidence, then you are organized, and you feel good about yourself so you don’t have to worry on what other people will think about you. This means that the more confident you are, the better you will be good in handling different forms of rejection.

The next tip on how to handle rejection is to have time to reflect and think of new perspective and inner learning. Bear in mind that if someone rejects you, he or she has been rejected before. And dumping you is just a sort of defense mechanism. It is also important to know yourself. Know your weaknesses and maintain your sense of humor, your open perspective and your bubbling confidence.

Writers are among those who always suffer the pain of rejection. But there are also many ways on how to handle rejection for writers. You can be a better, a stronger and more effective writer if you equip yourself with some steps on how to handle rejection from an editor or other persons. First, remember the reason why you write. If you do it because you need to say something or simply because you are enjoying it, and you don’t have intention to publish it, then rejection can’t be a problem. The next step on how to handle rejection for writers is to study your “rejected” manuscript very well. If it needs more time and work, then give your piece of writing the scrutiny it deserves.

If you want, you can ask a trusted writer friend or an editor to critique your manuscript and give constructive criticism. Revise your work if it needs to and submit it to a new publisher. Be confident and consider rejection as a challenge. Another vital thing in learning how to handle rejection is to bear in mind that editors have dissimilar needs and tastes. So you don’t have to listen to everything they say.

Since we all hate being not liked, studying various means in how to handle rejection is a must. It takes away the feeling of wanting to crawl back into our shells until we feel good and stronger again. Also, internalizing these steps on how to handle rejection help us feel good about ourselves.

Anger management tips: Tame your temper

Controlling your temper isn't always easy. But these effective anger management techniques will help give you the upper hand.


If your outbursts, rages or bullying are negatively affecting relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even complete strangers, it's time to change the way you express your anger. You can take steps on your own to improve your anger management.

Anger management tips
Here are some anger management tips to help get your anger under control:


- Take a "time out." Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting, or leaving the situation altogether, really can defuse your temper.


- Do something physically exerting. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.


- Find ways to calm and soothe yourself. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "take it easy." You can also listen to music, paint, journal or do yoga.


- Once you're calm, express your anger as soon as possible so that you aren't left stewing. If you simply can't express your anger in a controlled manner to the person who angered you, try talking to a family member, friend, counselor or another trusted person.


- Think carefully before you say anything so that you don't end up saying something you'll regret. Write a script and rehearse it so that you can stick to the issues.
Work with the person who angered you to identify solutions to the situation.


- Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework." To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.


- Don't hold a grudge. Forgive the other person. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.


- Use humor to release tensions, such as imagining yourself or the other person in silly situations. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's just another form of unhealthy expression.


- Keep an anger log to identify the kinds of situations that set you off and to monitor your reactions.


- Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a painful and frightening life experience for some people. Women over age 55 are more likely to report loneliness than other women. Death, moving away or divorce can cause people to feel lonely. Older adults are a significant group of people who experience a lonely lifestyle. Growing old can bring people into the situations that makes them feel and live in emotional and social isolation.

Loneliness is different from solitude or depression. Some people think that social activities can relieve loneliness. Actually, "company" may not cure loneliness for the long term. Social activities can reduce a sense of loneliness temporarily; however, a lonely person needs to have meaningful activities and true friends to care, share and support. It takes time and courage to explore and meet their needs to reduce loneliness. Here are some ways to handle loneliness:

n Form new relationships which may repair a sense of emptiness and loneliness.

n Be confident about your ability to deal with loneliness. Remember, if you make some effort, things can become better.

n Spend your energy on friendships, groups and activities which you like.

n Work with people on special projects.

n Build and maintain your social network. Keep in touch with people to help you find acceptance and belonging.

n Do things for others. Volunteering to help people or the community will let you feel good about yourself. If there is no volunteer work in your community, you may get some projects going.

n Work. Do some work every day at least. Work is a natural antidote to reduce loneliness. Work at home can be joyful, however, work at the workplace can expand opportunities to interact.

n Believe in yourself. This builds your confidence and competency to control your lifestyle. Remember, you are the only one who can get rid of the feeling of loneliness.

Having Sex Vs Making Love

This is daring but it's a fact. Enjoy!

What is the difference,
With making love and having sex?

With sex,
There's no emotional involvement.

With love there is.

Sex can be performed with anyone,

With love,
That person has to be someone special.

Sex is Lust,

Making Love involves Love.

Today many don't believe in love,
The word has many meanings,
But none of them are express in today's society.

Sex is preverted love.

Even through sex and love to many is the same,

There is a differences,
I'm here today to make this claim,
So when you met someone for the first time,
Do you want to go to bed with them because of Lust or Love?
Let me explain.
For me,
If I meet someone on the street,
And is turn on because,
She has a big butt,
Big breast,
Big beautiful lips,
Nice hips,
If I see that person only for that,
It's lust,
I want sex.
But If that same person in which I meet,
Interest me,
I get to know her,
I enjoy talking to her,
Being around her,
Seeing more then just the body,
That is love,

Two in love can have sex,

But two in lust,
Can't make love,
These are my diffenences,
Between,
Making Love and Having Sex.
Copr.1999 Larry "Ajani" Bolin Published by Sabaoth Enterprise

Top Ten Tips for Sustaining Relationship

Do you want to know how to keep the romance in your marriage alive? Then, read on the top ten tips given below for sustaining your relationship…



One of the 10 best ideas for sustaining relationships is to talk, talk and talk. Never let a communication gap crop up between the two of you.

Giving small little things as gifts to your partner is definitely going to make your partner glow throughout the day.

Join some hobby classes like dancing. It will ensure that you two spend time together as well as bring you two closer to each other.

Never ever fail to express your feelings. Tell your partner how much you love him/her as often as possible.

Small little gestures like sending a romantic sms or e-mail will go a long way in making you love last throughout your marriage.

Remember all the important dates of your relationship like birthdays, anniversary, etc. Reserve those days especially for your partner and celebrate them together.

Always trust your partner. Suspicion is one of the major reasons behind failed relationships.

Take a break from the mundane life and go for outings once in a while.

Flirting is a nice way to relive the old moments as well as to bring back the zing in your relationship.

Last but not the least, spend quality time with each other. Even if you get a few moments alone, make the most of them.

10 Most Obvious Signs To Know If He Is Serious In A Relationship

He may not have said he loves you yet or even asked to be his girl but watch the little things he does and you'll soon be able to tell whether he's really serious about you.
What's a sure-sign that he's absolutely crazy about you? When he showers you with flowers? When he gets jealous the minute you look at other men? Or when he stays at your place every night for a week? Actually - none of the above. If you'd like to be sure you're not kidding yourself when you imagine the two of you together in the future - look to the little things he does, not the big showy romantic gestures. Here are the most 10 obvious signs that he's serious about the relationship.

HE CALLS FOR NO REASON

"Hi, what are you up to?"; "I thought I'd let you know I made a reservation for dinner as I said I would and it's at 8 o'clock like we agreed" are the kind of comments that give away the real motive for this kind of call; he misses you; is head over heels for you and; can't go one more second without speaking to you. While you talk he ignores all incoming calls and signs off "I can't wait to see you again." Give him extra points for thoughtfulness if he calls you at work and is sensitive enough to realise you can't chat so he says "I won't keep you because I know you're busy but I just needed to hear your voice."

HE TURNS UP ON TIME

When he says he's going to be there on the dot at 8pm, he's never more than a few minutes late. And on the rare occasion he is held up he pays you the courtesy of calling so you don't have to needlessly rush to get ready. This kind of punctuality might seem an insignificant thing - but it speaks volumes about his respect for you. It shows that he cares about what you think of him so he wants to demonstrate he's reliable.

HE TUNES IN TO YOUR EVERY WORD

When you're in a mid conversation at the cafe he doesn't play with the fork nor is he distracted by the conversation at the next table. His eyes barely leave your face because he is hanging on every thing you say. He doesn't dominate the discussion by interrupting, finishing your sentences or taking the conversation in a new direction. He is genuinely listening! It is clear in the way he laughs sincerely when you tell him something funny and responds to what you are saying by giving you is opinions on the subject, making helpful suggestions and sharing his own similar stories.


HIS FRIENDS KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU

And it's not just the usual body talk like how gorgeous you are or what bra size you wear. They know what car you drive, what you do for a living, that you love japanese food but can't drink red wine because you get a rash. It's not like thay've been asking for these details - it's just that he can't stop talking about you 24/7!

HE BRINGS UP THE "F" WORD

Not that one - the other F word - fidelity. Just when you're worried that he might think you're dating with no strings attached he says "I want to be clear what we're doing here - I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend and to me that means being faithful to each other. Do you feel the same way?" With an enormous sense of relief and elation you say "yes" to being his girl and as you kiss passionately and each pledge fidelity, your mutual trust and intimacy immediately grows. It's official: He considers you a couple.


HE TAKES AN INTEREST IN YOUR INTERESTS

When a guy falls for you in a big way he'll want to know everything about you and that includes a full understanding of your likes and dislikes. If your hobby is collecting retro furniture he'll have the good grace to feign interest when you spend all afternoon scouring second hand shops - although he'd rather be home working on his car. Don't worry - he's not becoming a "yes" man - he's simply trying to get closer to you in every part of your life - and sharing your interests is an obvious way to do it.


HE GIVES YOU A KEY TO HIS PLACE

Not only does this gesture shout "I trust you" it also shows that he's certain you're going to be in the picture for a long time to come. Men are often very protective about their domestic domain. They may hold off taking a new girlfriend to their flat in case she thinks the decor is daggy or starts thinking that maybe he's hinting he'd like her to move in when that's last thing on his mind. In light of this, being given the key to his place is like passing an intimation ceremony - now that your relationship has graduated to the next level he is letting go of his bachelor ways and saying "what's mine is yours"

AFTER SEX HE WANTS TO CUDDLE AND CHAT

No rolling onto his side the second he climaxes and no quick descent into snoresville after a perfuntory cuddle. Instead, the afterglow of sex is charged with emotion, touching and intimate disclosures. He wants to know if you had a great climax and wants to tell you how the earth moved for him as well. Chances are he's already desiring to make love to you again. Or if he's too tired to do so he'll hold you, stroke your face and nuzzle your neck while the conversation is incredibly intimate.

HE'S NICE TO YOUR FRIENDS

From the moment he met your friends he made an effort to remember all their names. Now that you've been dating a while, he's considered one of the gang. He talks to your pals about everything from boy troubles to cramps and makes an effort to say all the right things. He'll also hassle your shy single friends to get up and dance with the two of you so they can enjoy a spin on the floor without feeling like fair game. Don't presume that being such a SNAG is his second nature - any man who makes an effort to win over his girlfriend's posse wants to keep her happy and to be around her as much as he possibly can.

HE ASKS FOR YOUR OPINION

In just about every decision he makes - from which shirt to wear to a job interview to which kind of car he should buy, he solicits your opinion. This indicates that he respects what you have to say and that he believes you not only have good judgement but have skills, abilities and insights that can help hi, improve his life.

10 Signs a Man is Not Ready to Commit

Ladies, I know you have these conversations, because I have them all the time with my girlfriends: how do you know when a man is ready to commit to you?

We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that a man should pursue you, should show an interest in being with you, should take you out and wine and dine you.

But, once you get past all these ‘qualifications’, how do you know when a man is really ready to commit - to you? I am going to look at that question today in the reverse, and give you the 10 signs that say the man with whom you are involved is definitely not ready to commit. They are as follows:

1. He is Noncommittal and Vague About His Feelings

You can never quite get him to admit to the depth (or shallowness) of his feelings for you. You are ‘okay’, ‘alright’ or ‘straight’. He hasn’t made any proclamations about what you mean to him, how important you are to him or what he thinks about you. In the best-case scenario (if your man is not particularly talkative), he shows his feelings, even if he doesn’t tell you about them. He is polite, courteous and responsive to your needs. He cooks for you. He mows the lawn (unasked). Or something along those lines. The worst-case scenario? He doesn’t share any of his feelings with you because he doesn’t have any. The deepest feeling he has for you is the aforementioned ‘alright’. And nobody wants to be just 'alright'.

2. He Doesn’t Share His Plans With You

You don’t know how he spends his free time. You don’t know who his friends are. You don’t know what his goals are. Yet he seems to have a whole, entire and active life completely apart from you. This is not a good sign. If you are not a significant part of his current life, you are probably not a significant part of his future plans either. If you are in a new relationship, give it some time. But if you still know very little about him after dating him for several months (or several years), this man is quite happy to keep you right where he has you – on the outside looking in.

3. He Doesn’t Answer the Phone When You Call

Yes, I know we all get busy sometimes. I don’t answer my phone at least 30% of the time (I have to work and sleep, you know). But if, he rarely or never picks up? Or if he is only calls you in response to a message (or several) you’ve left on his phone or because he sees your number on his caller ID? Bad, bad, bad signs. A man who is interested in you wants to talk to you. No matter what else he has going on – work, family, children or whatever. You should be a priority to him (or at least your phone calls should be). If you are not, you need to re-consider his being a priority in your life.

4. He Hasn’t Introduced You to Anyone (or Introduces You as a ‘Friend’)

Okay – this is simple. If a man has not introduced you to anybody he knows (and he at least has a mama, a couple of friends, co-workers, or somebody), you are probably not very important to him or his life. Why do I say that? What’s one of the first things you do when you meet someone (that you really like)? Introduce him to your friends or invite him to different functions. Men are not so very different from us – if they love having you around, they will invite you to be where they are. And, in the normal course of those invitations, you will meet people who are in his life. If you haven't, then beware. And, closely related to this:

5. He Doesn’t Tell Anyone About You

When you talk to him, he may mention conversations he's had with his family or friends. He tells you all about these conversations where he discusses baseball games or the basketball finals he watched on tv, the repair he's having done to his car or how his boss is getting on his nerves. He may even mention to these aforesaid friends and family his weekend plans. But, then you catch on to something - he told them what he was going to do, but not with whom he would be doing those things (namely, you). A simple oversight? An overriding need for privacy? Possibly. But, more than likely, he is not ready for anyone to know of your existence in his life. This could be for a number of reasons, but none of them are good. So, keep up with his mentions of you in his life - it is an important indicator of intent and the seriousness with which he takes your relationship.

6. He Talks About His Future in Terms of ‘I’

When he talks about where he's going to live, what job he plans on getting or what school he plans to attend, it's all about him. "I'm" going to move to Florida or "I'm" going to go to the University of Nevada. Or, even when he talks about things that could conceivably involve you, like a future trip, moving from his apartment to his house or even a movie he plans to see, for heaven's sake, still no mention of you. What should this say to you? That he's still thinking of himself in terms of being single. It has not yet occurred to him that the relationship he has with you could become more serious. All those "I's" and lacks of "we's" is his subconscious way of telling you that he does not consider you to be his partner.

7. He Doesn’t Take You Out

Sure, he likes spending time with you - but only in the privacy of his home. Or, he can hang out with you at school, but it never seems to go further than the coffee shop or library. This man is not ready to be serious with you. A man who wants to be with you will spend time with you in a variety of places - both publicly and privately. And even if he's not personally very interested in going to the museum, eating out or seeing a movie, he should at least be willing to give it a shot if it means pleasing you. Beware of a man who limits your activity to one specific type of place.

8. Only Calls Late (aka Treats You Like a Booty Call)

Right. I'm sure you're not engaging in late-night conversations with inapproporate men. But, just in case this applies to you (and you are accepting those late-night calls), just understand that he is not serious about you. If he only calls late, you have to ask yourself: what is he doing between the hours of 8am and 9pm? Why can't he call then? Is he involved with someone else? Is he married or recently separated? Or does he simply see you as a way to get his needs met (whatever they are)? Unless he works a really odd shift, there is no reason that your guy cannot call you at a reasonable hour. Do what seems right to you, but know that late night calls do not equal serious intentions.

9. He Doesn’t Share Personal Information

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't know where your guy lives? Or where he works? Or you're not even 100% sure of his last name? Unless you are truly just disinterested (or aren't inquisitive enough to ask him), it's probably because he doesn't want you to know. And why doesn't he want you to know? He could be hiding something. Or, most likely he doesn't consider your relationship to be serious enough to share the serious information about his life with you. Don't think so? Try asking him thoe questions the next time you see him. His answers (or lack of answers) will speak for themselves.

10. He Doesn’t Take an Interest in Your Activities or Your Future Plans

We've already been over the fact that he doesn't tell you his future plans. But now, to add insult to injury, he doesn't ask about yours either. Why is this such a bad thing? Let me ask you something - to what kind of people do you fail to ask questions like these? That's right - acquaintances. People you barely know. You even talk to your boss (who you can't stand) about what you plan to do for the weekend. Yet your guy doesn't ask? Very suspicious. Suspicious enough for you to rightly think that he simply isn't interested in knowing. Or else - he'd ask.

So those are 10 good signs that the man with whom you are involved has no intentions of being serious with you. He may be a good guy - fun to hang out with, good to his dog - but he has not reached the level of being ready to be committed (at least not to you). If it is a new relationship (a year or less), wait a while and see. But if it has been over a year, your best bet is to keep your options open. Don't let the opportunity to be involved with someone who is commitment-minded pass you by while you wait for your guy to get a clue. Again, do what you feel is right for you, but put yourself first. Honor your own needs. And try to be with someone who accords you that same respect.

SIGNS OF POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE ENERGY.

Hi everyone, it's been a while i last posted. I'm really sorry. i have been so busy lately. As a way of making it up to you, I saw this article at Beliefnet.com and thought i should share it with you. Enjoy!
Can you accept the moments of anger and fear as guests, be willing to receive them with kindness without feeling obliged to serve them a five-course meal?
-Christina Feldman in 'Compassion: Listening to the Cries of the World'
From "Positive Energy," by Judith Orloff, M.D.: Certain people give off positive energy, others negative. It's the quality of someone's being, a measure of love with which they've led their lives. It also reflects the inner work they've done, their efforts to heal anger, hatred, or self-loathing, which poison us like toxic fumes. Energetically these linger, precluding joy from shining through. It's important to grasp, however, that once you undertake the process of healing, it changes the quality of even the negativity that remains. Don't be too hard on yourself-we're all works in progress.


SIGNS OF POSITIVE ENERGY IN PEOPLE -

They exude an inviting sense of heart, compassion, and support. - You intuitively feel safe, relaxed, wanting to get closer. - They emanate a peaceful glow. - You feel better around them. Your energy and optimism increase.



SIGNS OF NEGATIVE ENERGY IN PEOPLE -

You experience a sense of being demeaned, constricted, or attacked - You intuitively feel unsafe, tense, or on guard. You sense prickly, off-putting vibes. - You can't wait to get away from them. - Your energy starts to fizzle. You may feel beleaguered or ill.
I'm a big fan of being proactive in generating positive energy. The First Prescription's formula for success: Do whatever makes your inner light burn brighter. In other words, try to treat yourself and everyone else with love. It's a constant process of tuning in: finding people who support your spirit, trusting your gut-centered decisions to guide you. Then you won't end up in a relationship that looks right but feels wrong. Or miss the chance to meet a loving man or woman because he or she doesn't fit some preconception. When you're with trying people, aim for the high road; find common ground, rather than inflame negativity. The care with which you approach life is intuitively evident in your energy field. We can feel each other's love: that's the great attraction. Spread openheartedness around.
God bless you.

12 SURE SIGNS THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE DUMPED!

Dear fans,

I'm sorry i get so busy these days but i've got something from Mike Hardcastle, Enjoy!

Getting dumped...it happens to the best of us and nothing feels worse. Losing love is hard enough but add rejection to the mix and it can be devastating.
When you've been dumped it feels like your world is closing in to smother you and you wonder if you will ever feel happy again. The good news is "yes" one day you will feel happy again, you will love again and the loss will become nothing more than a life experience. But when you are in the middle of it, caught in those end days of a once blossoming relationship, it can feel like the confusion will never end. Relationships don't just end.
It doesn't play that one day you are part of a happy couple floating around blissopolis only to find that the next day you are flying solo and moving in to dumpsville. Like it or not you can always see a break up coming. There are always clues.
When we sense a looming break up we often retreat in to denial and this is why actually being dumped seems like such a shock. But the reality is that anybody who is willing to look can see the writing on the wall long before the relationship actually ends.
What kind of things signal that the relationship is coming to a close?

Here are the 12 most common signs that the end is near.


- S/he is suddenly busy all the time, and never seems to have time to spend with you. When you find yourself becoming less and less of a time priority, even if the reasons for the distance seem logical, it is never a good thing.

You find that only your fingers do any walking. If you are the only one who ever picks up the phone, especially if the phone calling used to be split pretty equally, break up bells should start ringing.

When you call, more often than not you are asked to leave a message. Be it a parent, sib or friend, if somebody else always seems to answer the phone and take a message you are probably being screened, and we don't screen people we want to talk to!

S/he says s/he is one place but is really another. People do not tend to lie for no reason, if s/he is not being honest about where s/he is or who s/he is with there is rarely a noble reason for the deception.

You don't seem to connect anymore. Remember how when you were first getting together you would run into each other in unexpected places, like between classes or at the mall? If these "accidental" meetings become less common place it may be no accident at all.

Her/his friends seem distant. When somebody wants out of a relationship they often let their friends in on the secret well ahead of time. If your steady's friends seem less friendly it is a good indicator that they know something you don't and that it probably isn't good.

The lovin' is gone! When affection and PDAs (public displays of affection) start to dwindle it could mean the fire of love is also going out.

S/he starts introducing you to new people as "a friend". If s/he is calling you a friend that is all s/he sees you as -- bottom line.

You seem to be fighting a lot about little things. Lots of little fights often mean much bigger things are really at issue.

Kissing and telling. Respect is a relationship essential, once it has been compromised the relationship often follows suit.

You just can't seem to do ANYTHING right. Be it the style of your hair or the way you walk, if your steady suddenly finds fault with everything you do s/he is probably trying to push you away.

You avoid any conversation that begins with "we have to talk" or "I don't know how to say this." If your steady is using these opening lines a break up speech usually follows. If you are avoiding conversations that start like this it is probably because you sense that a break up is near and think that if you avoid the talk it won't happen.
You are wrong. If a person wants out of a relationship they will get out whether you let them tell you or not. Avoiding this talk is just prolonging the inevitable. Break ups can be harsh but they hurt less if you face facts rather than hide from the truth. Good luck!

Crush

A crush is unarguably the pressing- feeling to have a relationship with an individual; male or female. With the way crushes come, you could feel you will never remain the same except you have romantic dealings with the individual you idolize. Some crushes could make one loose his sense of belonging. You sulk or over-react to draw the other’s attention. Sometimes, the belongings of this individual in your possession could turn to the person in your mind but no matter what it seems, it could be frustrating.
Crushes come in various forms. Some could be mild; in the space of some minutes, it’s gone, while some could be intense and last for months.
The irony of crushes is the person you have a crush on may not know you are going through a tough time within you. He or She may have the same feelings towards someone else. Having a crush on someone is not a sin but the motive behind it; the imaginations you carry, could be sinful. Almost everyone walking on the surface of planet earth has encountered one at a point in his life. So don’t feel you are the only one in this.
I once had a crush on a young man, I felt I would die if he did not accept me. I had it going for a period of 11 months but i could not tell him and coincidentally, he never knew I had this crush on him. I emaciated, lost appetite, lost focus in my studies because he occupied my thoughts. When I finally had the chance to get really close to him (not dating him), I began to see many things about him I detested. He was proud, he believed he would never ask a girl out, girls always asked him out, he womanized, I would not want to make him look so dirty but the point is, he was not worth the stress. The crush left in a rush and never returned. If a guy has a crush on a lady, it’s easy to tell the girl the way he feels but the reverse is the case for a girl. What if the guy makes jest of you before his friends???
Now I’m not trying to be a feminist here. The feeling of being turned down is worse than the crush itself so what do you do if the crush is crushing you?

THE WAY OUT

I) Is he worth the stress? Find out who this guy or girl is.
II) If the feeling is crushing, pick out a flaw of his or hers and kill the feeling with it.
III) Occupy your mind with something else. Learn something new.
IV) The hurt of rejection is worse than a crush. Think of this and retrace your thought.
V) You could joke about it with friends; the warmth of friends can fade hurt.
VI) If you are a guy, you could try telling the person what you feel but for ladies, Don’t!
VII) If you ask a guy out and he accepts you, the wheel of the relationship is all yours to steer. You will be going after the man in search of his love while he may be running after someone else.
VIII) It is either a man loves you from his heart or he does it out of sympathy. With time he will grow out of that feeling and go after the lady of his heart.
IX) Men love being the chaser not being chased after.
X) Ask God to give you the grace to overcome the crush.
My dear, give it time and it will fade. It may sound hard but believe me, it works. You deserve someone who would love you from the depth of his or her heart. God does. He will never laugh at you for opening up to him. He will rather help you get out of it and provide you with one who will love you from the depth of his or her heart. If you are a guy and you have opened up to a lady about your feelings and all she did was turn you down, never mind. She does not deserve you. Give God a chance and in less than no time, you will have someone who would give anything to have you.

HEARTBREAK?

It crawls down one's spine as though a drop of honey. Slow, sticky, painful. It stops at the chest with a dull pang. threatening to cease one's breath. unconsciously, tears cascade down your cheeks as your entire being recks in spasmic sobs. I know that feeling!
Many things lead to heart break but the most common is when your loved one jilts you. When the well of love in you was just beginning to pour forth it's content. Sometimes, the fear of heart break could make people give up the hope of ever falling in love. there's no way you'll fall in love without entrusting a part of you into the other's hands. By a part of you, i mean your heart. Some people just choose to misuse such opportunities by taking the others love for granted. I could go on talking about the process of heartbreak but i would not want to bore you with that. Instead, how can you overcome a heartbreak and possibly love again.
It may seem the world has lost it's worth at the face of a heart break. You may attempt harmful actions but one thing for sure you need to ask yourself is, Is this man or lady worth my hurting myself? Because the truth is, no matter how much you hurt yourself, the culprit will never mind. Possibly in the process of executing such harm on yourself, the other may be having the fun of his or her life. So why hurt yourself? No one deserves the hurt instead those who do will never hurt you!

Now how can you handle a heartbreak?

- He or She expects you to sulk over the incidence, instead, crush the issue beneath your feet in your mind.

- Stay around your family for warmth, if you have none, try hanging out with friend.

- Never let your friends know about the break up, to avoid taunts.

- Wear a new look.

- Develop a new positive attitude and hobby.

- Smile, no matter the hurt. It will gradually fade off the hurt.

- New vibrant ward robe.

- Renew yourself. There's someone out there who will stop at nothing to have you. Look good to attract him or her.

- Learn something new. Something to enhance your skills and take your mind off thinking.

Sticking devotedly to this will cause a positive outburst in your life.
Remain beautiful!

Dealing with a complex.

Bose was a pretty but quiet girl. She was intelligent but would never utter a word in class, when a question was asked, for fear of being laughed at by the rest of her class mates. This fear extended till she was a working class lady. She was seen as unproductive as she could not provide the company she worked in with ideas. Why? She was scared of being laughed at. Need I tell you she did not get promotions as expected? Inferiority Complex!
It bites deep into the flesh of people. It makes them feel they can’t when actually they are. It ruins people’s chances of making it in life; venturing into opportunities.
Many people get bitten by the bug of at early ages. Some got it even in the womb. Surprised? Now let me break that down. Some people were born out of wedlock. Their fathers rejected paternity to them, their ‘supposed’ grandparents made their mothers go through hell because of the mistake and when they were born, they were not celebrated like other babies are. They grew in an unfriendly environment and just got surprised to see other kids treated with so much love. Now when their peers boast of the love and attention they receive from their parents, all they do is sit in a corner to listen and wish they had this treatment. They stay away from people for fear of being exposed. They get scared that anyone would know their family story and call them ‘Bastards’. Inferiority emerges in full force. Some who would want to be heard would break down the walls of their fears and get forcefully accepted. These kids turn into bullies because they would not want people to trample on their integrity. Complex!
Another type of complex comes from the experiences as a growing child. Parents make the mistake of preferring some of their kids to the rest. A child who was always scolded, never appreciated, never treated with love, has the tendency of developing a complex with time. The curses, abuses rained on the kid gradually sink into his sub consciousness. If he was always told he is a failure, he may gradually loose confidence in himself and believe he is definitely a failure. Some of us were fortunate to be praised almost all the time, that an inferiority complex never raised its ‘hydra head’ but a couple of us were not.

** ** ** ** ** **

Point 1.

- Even if the pregnancy was unwanted, you are not unwanted.

I’m not saying this to make you feel good; I’m saying it because it is a Fact! Your mother may have had a wrong timing and the pregnancy came but God never made a wrong timing, you came at the right time. What your parents did was just a process but God was your maker. You are his programme.Your mother was just a process to bring you into the world just as he used the Virgin Mary to send the Lord Jesus into the world. They may see you as a mistake but you are just a programme. Now all you have to do is discover your purpose and work towards achieving it. How do you get it, find out what your talent is, Sweetheart, that does the magic!

Point 2

- Do you know how many people wish they were You?

You think that is a tease. Definitely not, My Dear! Now let’s start with the process of your coming into planet earth. Do you know how many sperm cells that struggled to fertilize your mother’s egg in her womb? Each sperm cell is a human being that would have taken your place but emerged successful, the winner. Now you may say you were sent into a cruel environment or family. Now that was to groom you.
You would not be whom you are today if you did not have the experiences you had. The tough ones made you stronger and the nice ones refreshed you. So you succeeded being alive while the rest died in the ‘reproduction track’ unnoticed. So there was no way you could emerge winner if you were not special to God. The people you wish you were have their flaws which might be your strength. They would give anything to have it but it is solely yours for keeps. Develop it, Sweetheart! Read the page on ‘Who am I’ for more details.

Point 3. The Most Important.

How do You survive being ‘You’?

The Lord who created you is your strength! You are the apple of his eyes. He would not waste his time to create a worthless programme. Everything he created, he called good, so what right has anyone to say otherwise? Now turn to him for an understanding of what you were created to be. ‘He sees the end from the beginning.’ ‘He knew you before you were formed.’ Take King David for instance, incase you never knew, David was born out of wedlock. He was treated less than his brothers. He was left to fend for his father’s sheep, exposed to all types of risk. That he had to kill a lion and a bear by himself. God, who created him, was always there for him. even when Samuel, the prophet came to anoint the sons of Jesse, David was not brought out. They simply said there was one let in the bush. If it were not that God knew what he wanted, Samuel would have anointed someone else but God insisted on the ‘shepherd boy.’ When Samuel questioned God, he said ‘he searches the heart not the appearance.’ Then the little shepherd boy was anointed King before his elegant brothers.
Who said you are worthless?
Build your self confidence, believe in yourself ‘through Christ who strengthens you’ (Phil. 4:13) and soar through greater height. The sky is your stepping stone!
The problem is at not trying. If you try and it fails, keep trying till you get it. Never give up till it’s up! If you are scared of talking, build your confidence by reading wide. You don’t have to be a talkative, talk intelligently; when you must talk and where do you get the info from? Reading, listening and watching! You will be amazed at the outcome. Take a look at those whom you admire, do they have two heads? If they do, then give it up. They were not born with it, they developed it!
I’m waiting to get your feed-back on the outcome, I believe so much in you. Never forget that and don’t blush if I say I Love You ‘cause I really do love you.

Who am I?

Take a look at yourself... Hmm! Are you not just unique?

I believe everyone is unique because there is something about you that can never be duplicated. Let the best copier do his best, let his try with all his might, there is an area in your life no one can beat you to. So you see, you are unique. Some people maybe wondering" I have not seen that extremely special thing in me, what is she talking about?
Everyone has been blessed with a talent. Some have more than others but that does not matter, what does, is how you utilise it. I will talk about talents on some other page, for now, my focus is on You.
When you look through the glossy pages of Celebrity Magazines, the first thing that comes to mind is the the seemingly perfect nature of these people. You often wish you were as handsome as Ramsey Noah, Pat Attah, etc or as charming as Genevieve Nnaji, Omotola Jolade etc. it is normal to feel that way but where there lies a well of problems is when you begin to develop a complex because you believe you can never be as gorgeous as they are.
Dear, you may not be exactly like they are but you posess something they are deeply dying to have. Don't get depressed at the features you don't like in you, try to forget the bad features and concerntrate on accentuating the beatiful ones people commend you on. If you are a lady and you believe you are ugly, {sincerely i don't believe you are} get the right make-up and ask a friend of yours who is so good at making up, to do the magic. you will be amazed at the out-come. The way you look behind the make-up at the end of the day should not bother you. If you were to wipe off the make-up from the faces of all the ladies on the street, you will gawk at some. hey, that does not mean they are ugly!
If you are a guy, play on hair-cuts and beard shaving styles, till you get one that suits you. They can't look bad altogether. Now groom yourself, the nails, the hair cut or hair do, the dress sense. Create an identity of your own. Let people know you for looking good, if there's no money, just go simple but good. Once you have gathered confidence in your appearance, the rest of your self-esteem will grow.
Now discover what you can do unaided and without much efforts. This has got to be a positive thing. Is it drawing, playing field games, indoor games, singing, playing insruments, cooking...etc. it's a long list. Discover it and build it. Work on it everyday till it becomes perfected. Now make yourself derive pleasure doing it because you know many would struggle to do this without reaching a beautiful result like you have.
The next is working on your weaknesses. try to enhance your weaknesses. Don't be scared at it, the best way to deal with a problem is by tackling it,it may be a tough thing to do but i believe the more you tackle a weakness, the weaker it becomes.
See you on some other page!