Nhora's World.

YES, YOU CAN!

2008-11-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

I followed up the presidential campaign that went on for months and was really thrilled at the resilience and tenacity Barack Obama exuded.

He must have been laughed at by his peers for such an 'awkward' dream when he told his friends, mocked at by his colleagues at the firm he worked with when he went ahead to contest for the House of Reps but failed.

Getting up to head for a tougher task must have taking a lot of 'will-power pushing' from him but he made it to the Senate for three terms, yet he went on to contest for presidency.
Many people would have backed out when they saw Senator Hillary Clinton, believing her husband's supporters would apply their midas touch to her campaign but NO! He wouldn't be swayed. He moved on.

Even when the race seemed tougher, it appeared he got even more challenged to make it to the end and YES, he did make it.

Barack Obama, through his resilience brought to reality a dream Great Martin Luther King had.
It took his resilience to bring smiles to the black race.
Just one man's dreams, one man's efforts and one man's success!

He did not have two heads nor four feet but he kept pressing on.

Who told you, you can't make it?

Now get up and dust your butt!

The only thing that can hinder you from achieving your dream is 'YOU'.

The world sees and accepts what you exude. If you exude lack of confidence and willingness to be a loser, the world will see you as that.

Now take your pen and paper and scribble down what you would love to be; whether or not your present condition supports it.

Keep your eyes on that dream, never loose sight of it. No matter what you are going through.

Strategize positive ways to achieve that dream. Write out detailed stepped on achieving it.

Set a time frame for achieving it. Don't be too hard on yourself; set attainable limits.

Never settle for less. No matter the little you are able to get, put in your best as if it(your task) were the best. Is it a job? Put your best into it, you are building your future.

Be diligent at what you do. It will someday speak for you.

Be honest and truthful. Uphold the principle of accountability on your finger tips.

And last but not the least, be persistent, no matter the set-backs, till you reach achieve your goals.

I have been challenged by Obama's story and i believe, the fact it has never been done does not mean it can never be done.

Remember, put all your hopes and dreams in the able hands of God and ask Him for the grace to see you through.

I believe YOU CAN!

I love you!

- 'N'

STOP LISTENING, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

2008-09-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

Your goals are awkward!
You can never make it!!
You are heading for a downfall!!!

You don't have what it takes to be it.
Blah, Blah, Blah!

Other people can help or hinder you in doing what’s right for you but NO ONE other than you knows what is right for you, and NO ONE other than you is looking out for your best interest 100%. No one. This is not meant to scare you, but to liberate and empower you. Once you realize that everyone is doing what’s right and best for them in that moment, you are free to make your own decisions as to what to do for yourself.

Other people spend an awful lot of time, often with the best of intentions, trying to make other people conform to their view of how things are or should be. This can take the form of artful persuasion or it can take the form of bloody warfare; either way the root is the same: trying to impose one’s will on another.

Once we understand the Law of Attraction, once we realize the awesome creative, reality-shaping power each of us possesses, the implications of such a statement are stark; people’s lives are being dictated by other people. How about yours?

Are you letting someone else tell you what to think and believe and how to live? Or are you, under the guise of love or morality, trying to decide how other people live? Both circumstances are detrimental to the joy and fulfillment of all involved.

The more you push against something, the more you validate and therefore strengthen its existence, so in trying to change something about another person you only enforce the very behavior and situations you’re trying to eradicate. You create the exact opposite of your desired result and, in doing so, reinforce your own belief that the situation is as bad as you thought it was.

The way to change the world is to change yourself, not other people; live the life you dream of and the world you live in will mold itself to the world of your dreams.
One person is not right and the other wrong. One person’s judgment does not determine another’s worth. One person’s fulfillment is not dependent on another’s approval and one person’s happiness is not determined by another’s actions.

You and other people are different for an incredibly important reason, one that’s crucial to the very nature and purpose of life in the Universe. The contrast and variety we experience, that which seems to cause so much conflict and disagreement, is the only way for us unique extensions of a singular consciousness to develop preferences and perspectives, the very stuff that desires are made of.
And that’s what the Universe is made up, after all: the ever-changing stuff of our
desires.

Here’s how it works with you and your perfect partners in creation known as other people:

• You change your reality;
• Other people drawn to your reality gravitate towards you and help strengthen and expand it;
• Other people repelled by your reality gravitate away from you, keeping you free of their encumbering influence on further strengthening and expanding the reality you’ve created.

Isn’t that nice for everyone? Give these a second thought, will you?

Love you,
'N'.

IT'S TIME TO CALL IT QUIT!

2008-08-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

A friend once said that most marriages are forced to survive. When i asked what she meant, she noted that most married people were unhappy but would swallow the painful pill of endurance to stick to their spouses.
Whatever the case maybe, i'm thankful we have to date before tying the nuptial knots. So we can decide to walk out or stick to the dude, aight?

The big question is, When should a relationship break up?

Simple: when it no longer provides benefit to one or both partners. In other words, if you aren’t getting what you want or need from being with someone, or if you recognize that your partner isn’t getting what they want or need it’s time to move on.

I’ve had some people say to me, “Isn’t that a little selfish – what about the person you’re dumping?” To this I answer, “How can it be good for someone to stay with a person that doesn’t want to be with him or her?” After all, how low does your self-esteem (let alone your self-respect) have to be to want to do this? It is by far much healthier to go about finding the relationship that works for you – that gives you what you need, than to apathetically cling to something that isn’t fulfilling. Life is too short for this, and you deserve better.

So, how do you know when to break off your relationship? Here are 10 signs to watch for. Note that most people encounter one, two or more of these things periodically. However if you’re finding that you experience more than a few consistently – over a longer period, it’s probably time to move on:

10. You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your partner.
You may still have a good sex life (or not!) but actually talking to your partner seems like a chore. If spending time alone with your partner seems like a prison sentence you may be up for a parole.

9. You begin comparing your partner to others.
This is particularly true when other people seem more appealing to you. We all find others – often those we don’t have – attractive. If however, you find that you’re comparing specific traits – a person’s voice, their neatness, they way they carry themselves, etc., against others; especially things your partner can’t change - you should re-evaluate your relationship.

8. You criticize or “micro-manage” your partner.
If you’re always concerned that your partner’s socks aren’t exactly right for his pants, or that she wears too much make-up, or that he or she just can’t seem to take their responsibilities seriously, don’t look at them – look at yourself. People that are in love tend to look beyond minor annoyances to the bigger picture. If you’re having trouble doing this you may want to work on your exit plan.

7. You start trying to change your partner.
Many people fall in love with people that excite them, but find that this excitement isn’t good for them in the long term. On the other hand, they may find someone “stable” that doesn’t provide enough variety in their relationship. If you find that you’re constantly trying to convert your partner from the person you fell in love with, it may be time to bolt.

6. You re-connect with ex lovers.
It’s one thing to send an ex-girlfriend a birthday card. It is entirely another to take her out for dinner and a movie “just to catch up”. The trick here is to be honest about your motivations. If you had the chance to sleep with him or her, would you? Are you looking for approval or an ego-boost from him or her? Have you forgotten why you broke up in the first place?

5. His or her jokes are no longer funny.
Of course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but people in love tend to look beyond this repetitiveness. They see that their partner is being humorous, not how funny something is or isn’t.

4. You’re doing all the giving – or all the getting.
Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting over the other, the relationship isn’t healthy. This doesn’t mean that everything should be exactly balanced. For example, just because one partner spends #50,000 on a birthday present, that the other should spend exactly that amount. Nor does it mean that both partners should always split a dinner cheque. If one person pays all the time, and the other doesn’t at least cook a few meals, there is something wrong – and unhealthy about the relationship.

3. You constantly find ways to include others in your activities.
Always including others indicates that you’re not looking forward to being alone with your partner. Of course, you need time with your friends, but if you never have private time, or the only time you’re alone is when you’re having sex, perhaps the problem is in the company.

2. Your friends no longer like being around you when you’re with your partner.
Your friends don’t have to dislike your partner – perhaps they don’t like what affect your partner has on YOU! Consider that your relationship with your friends is at least as important in the long run as your relationship with your partner. In fact, it may be MORE important as they will see you as you really are, and will be there even if he or she isn’t – IF you treat them right!

1. You no longer feel good about yourself.
At first, this seems like a strange warning sign about your relationship, but think about how you felt when you first hooked up with your partner. You felt great – about yourself and your world. If this is now lacking where it was there before, you may want to look at your relationship.

So when you feel the aforementioned or perceive as the case maybe, i suggest you kiss your partner goodbye.

Lots of Love,
'N'

AM I IN LOVE?

2008-08-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

I remember when i first fell in love. Boy, it was so feverish.
I kept having inexplicable thumps in my heart. My tummy churned at the sight of him and my face shone like the sun. I felt i would die if i didn't see him every hour.
Those days of innocence... Was that really love?

One of the toughest questions in life is, “Is this love?” How can you know for sure that you are really in love? When you were a kid, you might have thought you were deeply and madly in love with the girl who sat next to you in Biology.

You thought about her all of the time and you figured you’d grow up and marry her. Now that you’re older, you probably realize that those were your pubescent and confusing hormones in action.

The trouble is, your hormones can still make you think you’re in love! So how do you know if it’s love, lust, desperation or a crush? The incredibly heady feelings that precede real love leave us with pounding hearts and churning stomachs.

These feelings can make you feel good, excited, foolish and like you could sprint five miles. They’re all a part of love, or the beginnings. But before we look too closely at love, let’s take a quick look at those feelings that can (sort of) mimic love:

Lust – It’s simple to identify because it’s based on her sexuality. You aren’t too interested in what she thinks or the names of her two cats. Lust doesn’t often turn into love, but it’s nice to be in love and feel lust for that person.
Desperation – A sinking feeling of grasping. You feel like you really need her to like you and you can’t stand to think of her with anyone else. You just want her to
want you.

A Crush – It’s sort of like the beginnings of love. You feel all of those butterflies or bumble bees in your stomach when you see her. You think about her a lot. You grin when you think about her. A crush begins the same way as love, and sometimes turns into love over time.

But love, once the excited butterfly stage passes, grows into something that a crush itself does not, and desperation or lust can’t. The signs you’re in love are subtle, but you can recognize them:

You still like (love) her after she’s done something annoying. You might be ticked off at her if she’s done something really bone-headed, but you still want to be with her. Not because you’re desperate and you just want her to be the one, but because you still truly like her.

You’re willing to do things that you wouldn’t have considered in the past. Not bad things, but things that are just weird for you – like going to the ballet with her because she loves it so much. You aren’t doing this because she’s guilted you into it, or because of some pathological need to please her, but because you sincerely want to do things with her that will give her pleasure.

You begin to imagine the future with her in it. Not just next week, but the next year or decade or a lifetime. You think about growing into a life with her and it doesn’t nauseate you or cause panic.
You feel loyal to her.

Knowing you’re in love isn’t about the excitement, although it’s nice when you have an exciting relationship even after you’ve been together for years. Love is about the comfort and the feeling of being able to share your life and yourself with her. When you start feeling like that, you can safely assume that you’re well on your way to being in love.

Remember, I Love You,

'N'

MEETING HIM ON YOUR TURF

2008-08-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

Many singles believe they can only meet the person of their dreams at colourful events or designated spots.
Oh, he's got to be at my friend's wedding. He is likely to be at the Summer Camp, I've got to look drop dead gorgeous today 'cause he will definitely be at the Workshop...

For those who are single and looking for a relationship there is always the opportunity to meet potential partners. Wherever you go and whatever you do, it is likely that you will meet people along the way and will have the opportunity and maybe even foster romantic relationships.
Weddings, Camps and Workshops aren’t the only way to meet potential partners. Your everyday activities afford you the opportunity to meet new people and foster relationships with them. Whether you are running errands or engaging in a hobby, you are likely to find people participating in the same activities as you.

Shopping is an example of an everyday activity that can lead to a potential date. Everyone has to eat and it is likely that the grocery store will be visited by at least a few other people during the course of your visit, even if you shop at off peak hours.
Single women in particular are likely to meet single men while out grocery shopping. In most committed relationships either the woman does the shopping by themselves or the couple shops together. Very rarely do men in a committed relationship take care of the grocery shopping responsibility for their household. For this reason, if you see a man out shopping by himself, it is very likely that he is single. Single women can take advantage of this fact by approaching men with high hopes that they are single.

Striking up a casual conversation about the quality of the produce or the prices of the dairy products is one way to get a conversation going. Once you make the initial contact, it may be easy to maintain the conversation. If things seem to be going well you could consider asking your fellow shopper to join you for coffee or lunch to continue your conversation in a more relaxed atmosphere.

Those who enjoy working out and embrace fitness as a part of their everyday life may find the opportunity to meet potential dates at their local gym. This is a great opportunity to meet individuals who share similar interests. Whether you enjoy using the weight machines, the cardio machines or running on an indoor track you are likely to notice potential partners who share your commitment to fitness and who are equally dedicated to obtaining optimal health.

Consider approaching another member of the gym and strike up a conversation about how getting to the gym is a tremendous effort but once you are there you always wind up feeling better about yourself. If you are both enjoying the conversation try inviting your new friend on a date that includes physical activity such as mountain biking or hiking.

Singles who enjoy reading may find that a library or bookstore is an excellent place to meet potential dates. Chances are that you already frequent these locations so next time instead of focusing on the aisles of books, try noticing the other people in the library or bookstore. Wander the aisles as you normally would but pay special attention to those who share your interests. One way to start a conversation in this situation is to offer your opinion of a book that you notice someone considering.

They may be trying to decide whether or not to check out or purchase the book and if you can offer them your opinion it might help them make their decision and also elicit and attraction to you. They will be flattered that you noticed them and appreciative that you offered your opinion on whether or not to invest time and money into reading the book.

Many libraries have conference rooms available for use and many bookstores have coffee bars within the store making these two locations perfect for impromptu dates. You could suggest continuing your conversation in one of the conference rooms or over a cup of coffee. This offers the opportunity to have an immediate date and also offers the security of having your first date take place in a well-populated, public location.

People are everywhere and it is almost impossible to leave your house without meeting at least a few people along the way. Whether you are completing mundane errands or participating in a leisure activity you are bound to meet a few people who could be potential dates.

Knowing how to start a conversation and how to parlay that conversation into a date, if things are going well, will help you to turn any situation into an opportunity to meet potential dates.

Now you've got these hot tips on dating on your turf, put these into action and come back smiling to my blog.

Love ya!

'N'

GETTING OVER YOUR EX.

2008-08-27T13:48:00.001-07:00

Heart-breaks could be life-changing. It either softens and weakens you or harden and toughen you.
But beneath the seeming toughness lies a vacuum aching to be filled. Sometimes we suppress the hurt and try pretending the hurt no longer exists. It's great to be strong but how about trying these...

Getting over someone whom you devoted all your time for so many months or even years is no walk in the park. Undergoing the process of denial, depression and anger is natural but sulking in your room for longer than necessary while watching the whole world passes you by isn’t healthy anymore. Wake up! You need to move on.Here are few tips on how to start picking up those pieces down to the fixing your broken heart.

1. Cry.

Face the fact that you’re sad and depressed. There’s no point of hiding it to the world most especially to yourself. Lock yourself in your room and cry. Sob or even wail all you want, it’s alright. Just cry to let out all the heartaches you are feeling. We who have been hurt before know it hurts so badly and the pain is so unbearable. You can let it out by all means. You might get puffy and swollen eyebags but at least you’re not stressing your way to sickness. Remember, it is healthy to express your anger and hurt. You can vent your feelings and relieve the tension and stress you feel inside.

2. Lend Some Ear.

When in pain and confused, it is always advisable to have someone around. Pouring over your sentiments with a friend over a bottle or a cup of coffee is a great catharsis. Who cares if you have told the story a hundred times already to your friends? As long as the anguish is still there just keep on talking. It will soothe your soul.

3. Don’t Listen to Love Songs.

As we all know, love songs tend to stir our emotional side, so be wary and don’t let yourself indulge into listening to love songs when you’re broken hearted. You’ll end up feeling like a complete loser and that’s the last thing you want to happen.

4. Keep Yourself Busy.

Do the things that you neglected to do because you were busy with someone else before. Finish your project that you left idle for almost a month now. Open that novel where your bookmark has been on the same chapter for already a year. Do all the things you’ve been dying to do before but just didn’t have the time. Organize an out of town trip with your friends or try hosting a party. Be with happy people and absorb their vibes.

5. Reminisce.

This may sound weird but is sometimes effective. If avoiding all the places you two have been and all the things both of you were doing before didn’t come up with a good result, then might as well try this one. No, reminiscing doesn’t mean that you have to punish yourself by reliving the memories you once shared, it’s just a way of making yourself immune to all the pains he has caused and for you to face the reality. Remembering the good times you have spent together will somehow make you realize that life isn’t bad after all. Believe me, in time, you will just find yourself laughing at all the things that happened and it will somehow make you proud also because you have overcome them all.

6. Start a Diary.

Start writing in a journal and make it your new best friend. Jot down all the dreadful things that happened to you and purge out all the things that’s on your mind, no holds barred. Confess to your new best friend how despicable your boyfriend is and vow to forget him the soonest time possible.

7. Clean up the Clutters.

It’s time to pick up the pieces and clean up the clutters of your once shattered life. A closing doesn’t necessarily mean a shut down; it’s just a phase that everyone needs to undergo to pave way for a new start. Keep away from your sight all the things that bring back memories of you together. Put them in a box and make sure you’ll never get a glimpse of it to avoid temptation to look at them again. And when I mean keep away from sight, just toss it aside first, not return to the giver.

8. Pamper yourself.

Head to the spa, gym or even to the parlor for a complete makeover. Enough of the sulking days, it’s unfair for you to see him happy while you are still there in your room wallowing in despair. Give yourself a treat and stop looking miserable. You wouldn’t want to look wretched when the hands of fate suddenly give you the person who will completely ease your broken heart, would you?

Now you know how to get the burden off your chest, Stay hooked for more exciting tips.

Love y'all,
'N'

HANDLING DATING DISASTERS.

2008-08-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

I love reading articles by other writers. Now this is one article that will come in handy someday... Have fun!

Even the most well planned date can turn into a complete disaster. The keys to dealing with these disasters as they arrive include preparing ahead of time, maintaining a calm attitude, being honest with your date and being willing to laugh at yourself in certain situations. Keeping these ideas in mind will help you to weather the storms that may arise on a date.

You and your date may be two very compatible people who are sharing a date filled with activities that you both enjoy but even this ideal date has the potential for disaster. One thing that can bring an otherwise fun filled date to a screeching halt is having the conversation come to a lull.

Even two people with a lot in common may reach a point on the date where the both run out of things to say and the conversation becomes awkward. This is perfectly natural as dating in itself is somewhat awkward so it is understandable that there may be moments when the conversation fades.

Although this is natural, if you allow it to persist the date could become a disaster leaving both of you feeling uncomfortable. The simple way to avoid this situation is to plan ahead and have a list of conversation starters planned. This doesn’t mean to actually bring a list along on your date and pull it out when the conversation fizzles out but do think about a few interesting things you would like to talk about on the date so that even if you get nervous, you will have a few ideas of what to talk about.

Choosing a very popular restaurant can also have the potential for dating disaster. If you plan to go out on a weekend night to a very popular restaurant you run the risk of having a substantial waiting period before you are seated. If the restaurant does not take reservations and you are determined to take your date to this restaurant, be prepared for the long wait.

While you are waiting, it is important to maintain a calm attitude and not become agitated by the length of the wait. If you become upset, your date is likely to sense your frustration and will also begin to feel upset. Remaining calm and keeping your date entertained with pleasant conversation is one way to avert the dating disaster that often results from a long wait to be seated at a restaurant.
Blind dates are simply dating disasters waiting to happen. Friends and family members often think that they know who your ideal match would be but they are also often wrong.

When you agree to be set up on a blind date, it is important to go into the date with a spirit of adventure that will enable you to have a good time and see past any flaws that your blind date may have. The way to truly avoid a dating disaster though is to be honest with your blind date about your feelings. They are likely a little apprehensive about being set up as well but if you break the ice by letting your date know that you are nervous they won’t feel so nervous either. Also it is important to be honest on a blind date.

Failure to do so can lead to the disaster of having your date leave at the end of the date with an inaccurate opinion on your view of the date. Blind dates can be fun filled adventures if you allow honesty to prevail.

Another popular dating disaster involves one of the members of the date, doing something that is embarrassing. Whether you trip while carrying dinner from a take out restaurant or spill hot chocolate on your date, your clumsiness is setting up the date for disaster. It’s important to remember that these mishaps happen to everyone and that they do not mean that the date has to end immediately. If you are able to laugh about the incident, your date will realize that it is okay for them to laugh as well.

However, if you are uptight about the incident and refuse to see the lighter side, your date will feel awkward and not quite sure what to say. Letting your date know that you see the humor in your mistake helps to avoid a dating disaster.
Every date has the potential to lead to disaster but in most cases these disasters are easily avoided or solved.

Being calm and accepting of your own faults are two simple ways to solve dating disasters. Also, being prepared for certain situations can be one way to put a quick end to dating disasters.

RESOLVING CONFLICTS

2008-08-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

This was culled from a page somewhere... i hope it touches a heart or more, Enjoy!

Conflicts are natural to romantic relationships. There is no one couple that has not experienced disagreements and some fighting in the course of the partnership. And as many as there are instances when the yin clashes with the yang, there, too, are healthy ways to resolve them without having to resort to breakup threats.

For example, if you've set up a dinner date with your partner and he or she turns up two hours late, your first instinct is to lash out at him or her and machine-gun enumerate all the mistakes he or she has done in the past. It doesn't take a genius to know that this is a no-no.

Before you make any assumptions and go HYSTERIC, hear the explanation out first. No conflict has ever been resolved with a hot head. It will be difficult but once you've understood why he or she was not able to make it to your date on time you'll be thankful you efforted to be calm and patient. Of course, if the person does this all the time, then perhaps a scolding is in order.

There are many things you can do resolve conflicts.

You can invite your partner out for a make up date,you can cook dinner or buy flowers or you can write a sweet letter or record a romantic song.

These sound like really cheesy ideas, but they often work -- because they can be rather funny.

In the height of an argument, inserting a joke or a funny comment at the right time can have you both laughing ang giggling, and eventually forgetting that you were bickering.

There are two things vital to conflict resolution: listening, not just hearing, and knowing when it's time to back down. A fight between a couple is not a competition.

Couples often get into a screaming match because each wants the other to see only his or her point of view. This is why things get messy. While it's sometimes not really your fault that you're arguing, it won't hurt to raise up your hands and wave the white flag (if only to end the screaming match that's really getting nowhere).

If you love the person you're with, pride and dominance should not be an issue. Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to be acquiescent and submissive.

When you listen to the other person's point of view, you have to truly open your ears and mind. Do not harbor preconceived notions about the what’s and whys of the argument. More importantly, do not dwell on the what-ifs. What-ifs are things that may or may not happen, and basing your argument on what could have been will just have both of you going in dizzying circles.

In the end, accept that conflicts are common and are inevitable. You are two different people in one relationship. You will predictably end up at a point where your ideas will be at odds. The best thing you can do is to understand at the onset that this is natural and that, when it happens, you two have to sit down and hear each other out first before making any conclusions. Of course, this is easier said than done. But what successful relationship hasn't experienced trouble? It is this that builds a stronger bond.

So how about giving these a chance?

Love you!

'N'

How to Spot a Liar!

2008-08-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

He is sweet, charming, everything you need in a man.
He seems to know the right words to say, his tongue is so sugar-coated you could neutralise the effect of gall.
Oh! you caught him say something that sounded untrue.
Again?
Oh-Oh! Wait a minute, Is he really the guy whose advances you yielded to?
Here, we are...
He is nothing but a wanna-be phonie!

You can choose to confront the situation at the onset, or let it blow over and worry about the consequences later. However, more likely than not, you won’t like how things are going to turn out.
Don’t allow yourself to be hoodwinked. Read about the telltale signs below and you’re sure to find out if your sweetie is betraying you or not.

Being Overly Defensive.

When you question a guilty person of his whereabouts the previous night, more often than not, he will start throwing accusations at you, like telling you how possessive you are even though it was just the first time you dropped the question. His mission is to put you on a tense mode so the attention will be veered away from him. Thus, start to be wary when your guy suddenly reacts violently with a simple a question as “So, what were you doing last night?”

Being Paranoid.
Some people feed their partners’ paranoia just to conceal their own infidelities. He will either accuse you of seeing someone else, for you not to get the idea that he’s really the one fooling you. So the next time he starts pointing the finger at you, reply with “Why are you always paranoid, are you sure I have no reasons to be either?” Then see how he reacts. Guilty persons will be taken aback with that kind of question.

Being Over Confident.

By and large, a show of over confidence usually denotes bluffing. It is because some people think that by acting confident, they can make others believe that they have the power and credibility in everything they say or do. Wrong; because if someone is really certain about what he says or does, there’s no need for him to act all-knowing.

Catch the Fish Through It’s Mouth.

Although the greatest of liars have already mastered the art of telling a lie by projecting a guiltless look and answer. There are still clue-words to watch out for in his answers to find out if he’s really fibbing or not. The reply “I can't explain anything about that” when you ask him about the reason why he needs to attend an out of town seminar, is a sign that he is avoiding having to give out extra information for fear of being caught.

Answering “I don't remember” when you insist that he tell you where he has been the night his cell phone was out of reach, is a clear-cut sign that he doesn’t care to look back on his unfaithfulness and he needs to end the conversation at once. These replies are just some of the examples identified by a retired Maryland State Police, Investigation and Interviewing and Interrogation expert, in a course titled “Identifying Lies in Disguise.”
However, these are merely indicators that a person might not be telling the truth, so they must not be used as a sole basis for convicting someone. Rather, use them as a signal for you to investigate further to avoid getting duped.

Pauses before Answering.

If it takes forever for your guy to answer a single question that is answerable by a simple yes or no, then it’s time to switch that radar on. He might still be collecting his thoughts and trying to make up stories to fool you. Wake up and smell the coffee. It’s obvious, even without a cheater detector, and you can automatically sense if he’s doing nasty things behind your back.

Is Your Man A Loser?

2008-08-22T05:29:00.000-07:00

Hi folks, it feels good falling in love and knowing that someone feels the same about you but sometimes some guys love to play on ladise' emotions. More like taking advantage of their 'yes'.
Here are tips on some kind of men not to hook up with. Guys, don't get all crossed. This is for the sisters.

The Abuser
This kind of guy is bad news. He can start out as a gentleman and tell you he'll never do or say anything to hurt you again after he does. But, the truth of the matter is, he won't change. If a guy has a nasty temper and begins to show inclinations toward abuse (either physically or verbally), you should get out of that relationship at once.
Abusive guys start out nice and you probably won't be able to spot them until they're in abuse mode. This usually comes out when your relationship turns serious and he starts to become possessive and aggressive. If he has hit you once, don't believe him when he says he won't do so again. He will and you should leave.

The Meantime Guy
Or, as most women like to call him, the "I Have No Idea What I Saw In Him" guy. He may seem all right at first. That is, you started going out with him because he seemed like a nice person and he was available. However, when it boils down to the nitty gritty of the relationship itself, you discover that your relationship really has no strong foundation. You have nothing to talk about and share no interests in common. Worse, you cringe when people see you together in public. It's not really him that's the problem. It's the basis of the relationship - very shallow.
Why are you still with this guy, again? End it now.

The Self-Absorbed Guy
This guy only thinks of himself and does not care about your opinions. He believes that you will never equal him and that you should just pay attention to fulfilling HIS needs (making yours only secondary and, therefore, unimportant). He does not want you to share his level and it will be futile to try to make him think in your favor. You're worth more than this kind of treatment. You should be with someone who shares the limelight with you and listens to what you have to say.

The Suddenly Distant Guy
Girls should watch out for this kind of guy because he can never stay put in one place, or in one relationship, for too long. Sure, some guys start out great but, then, all of a sudden, with no obvious reason, he becomes distant and acts all weird. Slowly you grow apart. You bang your head against the wall trying to explain his behavior and what might have triggered it.
Often, your paranoia will lead you to believe that something is wrong with you. There isn't. He is the problem. If he won't share his feelings and problems with you, it's not likely that your relationship will flourish any further. End it while it's still bearable. You will only be dragging the occurrence of the inevitable (a breakup) if you hold on and try to convince yourself that things will eventually change.

FOUR TYPES OF PEOPLE TO AVOID!

2008-07-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

Outrageous lifestyles of the very successful are envied by most of the world. Are you part of the envied? Or are you part of the envying? If you are living a successful life by your own standards, congratulations. If you haven’t quite reached that level yet, then this article is for you.
There are several characteristics that those who practice successful living possess. The characteristics listed below are NOT any of them. In fact, they are the opposite. See if you possess these characteristics and, if you do, my advice to you is… change.

The Dreadful Dud

The dreadful dud is the person who answers questions with one word. Any time there is anyone who wants to initiate a conversation with the Dreadful Dud, the conversation is dead before it gets started. These people are not mean or necessarily rude.

They just don’t believe they have much to contribute, so they cut it short as much as possible. Consequently, the conversations become fewer and fewer.

Eventually, the Dreadful Dud gets the reputation of the dull guy or girl. Or

you might say he or she is a dud. Don’t be a dud. Practice your natural personality. Did you know that you were created to enjoy life? Did you know that life is meant to be tasted?

There are juices inside to be experienced. When was the last time you took a chance? Live life as it’s something to be loved. Practice makes perfect. Practice passion. Practice charisma. It’s who you really are.

The Social Soloist

The Social Soloist is the person who never begins to live and love life. This

person finds him/herself at home, alone, on the couch, every night, watching silly reality programs. The Social Soloist finds purpose in who is going to have to eat the next set of buffalo testicles or who is going to be kicked off an island.

The irony of the whole thing is the Social Soloist is at home experiencing

nothing while he/she watches those who are actually living and loving life.

Does that make sense? Instead of trying to escape through the boob tube, get out and meet people. If you must start small, invite some people over to watch a decent movie.

Eventually, it will develop into a social fun time and, who knows, it just may

move out of the TV room.

The Pitiful Procrastinator

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Ever hear that one?

How ridiculous! Have you ever known anyone that lived by this motto? How

frustrating! The Pitiful Procrastinator always finds him/herself stressed out

and behind in life. Why? They keep putting it off! Everything is always put

off until later. Nothing is ever done in time. And when it eventually gets done,

it’s shoddy and half-way completed.

They just want to hurry up and get over with… whatever “it” is. Laundry. Homework. Dishes.

Meetings. Confrontation. Putting gas in the car. Changing Careers. You name

it, it never gets done when it needs to get done. Life will pass the Pitiful

Procrastinator by. And when it’s too late to make up his/her mind, regret

will take hold. Do not let regret arise and dominate your mind. Instead, take

control of your mind right now. Make a freakin list and stick by it! Don’t fall

prey to the practice of the Pitiful Procrastinator. Remember, practice

makes perfect.

The Unknown Optimist

These people have such positive energy they could suck the life out of

the room if they were to make a phone call during a New Years Eve party.

While everyone is having such a good time, making plans and looking

forward to the future, the unknown optimist looks to the dark side. The unknown

optimist looks to the dark side of everything. If you were to tell this person that

he just one $1,000.000.00, he would say something like, “Great! Now I’m going to be

in a higher tax bracket and have to pay more taxes.”

The unknown optimist lives in a vacuum that you do not want to live in. It’s

the “everything sucks” vacuum. Take inventory of your overall attitude.

Don’t take the extreme opposite route either. If you go to the opposite extreme,

you’ll find yourself on the Pollyanna platform. A great place to be is in the

realistic but optimistic middle. While you’re there, be sure to live and love life.

BEING SINGLE AND ENJOYING IT!

2008-03-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

Let's be honest. No one really wants to be alone for the rest of theIr life. But does being alone mean you're doomed to be miserable forever? Definitely not! And does being single have to equal lonely? No way! You can have the best time of your life when you're single, but you wouldn't know that from our relationship obsessed society, where celebrity magazines devote the majority of their content to who's dating whom and the wedding industry is a $100-billion business.

Yet more than a third of marriages end in divorce, and countless other couples languish in unions that shouldn't have happened in the first place. The single life is replete with liberties that you could not imagine. Here are the top 10 reasons you should consider taking a hiatus from the relationship arena and remain single.

10. You don't have to tolerate moodiness & nagging

Relish not being the target of anyone's inexplicable mood swings, and the calm that comes when there's no nagging. When you wake up on the couch, you'll know it's because you chose to pass out there.

9. You can gain weight without worrying

Just as you can spend more time buffing up at the gym, you can also just chill and let yourself go for a little while. When you're not on the market, you don't have to worry about looking like an Adonis every day. Enjoy the pleasure of occasionally being a slob. Just don't go so far that you can't trim down in time for when you decide to start hunting.

8. You can appreciate your independence

You can use your newfound free time for solitary fun, as well as self-improvement. Being single forces you to do things for yourself, like cook, do laundry and tidy up your pad. Being skilled at many things makes you a more complete, well-rounded person - a great card to hold when you decide to reenter the dating market.

7. You can control your finances

Being single gives you full financial freedom, and you never have to worry about paying for dinner or buying presents. However, understand that this does not mean that you will save money - on the contrary; you might be spending more on partying, buying drinks, dressing well, and so on. But at least you are the master of every single dollar you spend.

6. You have more time for activities

When you're single, you have no reason to sit around doing nothing. Want to harden your body at the gym? Play a new instrument? How about watch the Die Hard trilogy for the 11th time? Who's stopping you? Look forward to being spontaneous, not having to answer to anyone and flirting like crazy...

5. You don't have to deal with another's personal habits

Now there's no irritating habits to tolerate. You can sleep peacefully without anyone's annoying snoring and hog all the blankets without a care in the world. You have no one to pick up after but yourself. Give your patience a well-deserved break and live in unflustered.

4. You can be spontaneous

Being single lets your break out of the numbing cycle of routine. Be daring while you can. Not only will you be doing something out of the ordinary, you can do it without double-checking with someone else first. This is the height of freedom.

3. You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you'll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don't have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you'll be single and vigorous.

2. You can be your own boss

Relationships are synonymous with compromise. You eventually have to sacrifice something you really like for the good of the pair. Use your single time to treat yourself a little more. In small doses, selfishness is good for the soul. Being your own boss also means answering to no one. Enjoy not having to explain your actions.

1. You can flirt as you please

Being single gives you the complete freedom to flirt with whomever you want, whenever you want.

Just as with meeting someone in person, finding your soul mate or love of your life can take some time. Just because a few weeks have gone by and you're not really excited about anyone you've met doesn't mean they don't exist. It also gives you the chance to sharpen your mojo so that, before you know it, you'll be the master player on your block. Since you're unattached, take this opportunity to master the art of seduction, and who knows what rewards you'll reap.

WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE 'YOU.'

2008-02-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

I posted something close to this last year but the attitude a lot of people; especially the youths, put up made me go back to that topic.
Many people look at celebrities, their friends and colleagues, wishing they were the those people. You wish you were richer, sexier, taller, fairer and evryother word that has to do with 'rer'.
Some people actually let their wishes turn into envy. That you unconsciously begin to compete with the other person.
I know a lady who resorted to bleaching creams because she wished she had a lighter complexion as her friend. All she succeeded doing was destroy her skin. Not only did she not achieve the fair complexion her friend had but she had patches on her skin which were adverse effects of hydroquinone.
Some people totally reject themselves just because they live in the illusion of becoming someone else.
Don't get me wrong, it is not bad to admire someone. You can admire the way someone grooms him/herself and apply a thing or two to improve your body care. But there lies a thin line between admiration and envy. The feeling is totally wrong when you feel a tinge of hatred.
Envy makes you smaller than you think you are. It reduces your creativity as you put in a lot of effort to either compete with the other person or you try to be the other person.

Now, that will do for envy.

* Lack of self worth is a terrible vice.
It rips you off the confidence you spent your whole life building.
Never think you are good for nothing else you would not be here in the first place.

Some people; maybe your parent, boss, teacher may make you doubt your self worth by the venomous words they spit out at you but you are the one who can change all of that. That is by the way you treat yourself.

If you feel you can never do anything right,
- take your time to cool off.
It is actually a way your mind tells you it needs a break.

- Stay in a serene envionment and re-assess your life.

- Those who have made it don't have two heads or more eyes than you do, actually the amount of hard work they put into their lives turned things around for them.

- If you don't know your talent, try to discover it.
What can you do effortlessly? That is what makes you positively different from others. It will make you unique if you put your best to it.

- Ask a good friend of yours to point out your strengths. Capitalize on those strengths and boost your ego with them but hey, don't be arrogant!

- Accept constructive criticisms and spare no time on ego-stripping conversations.

The person whom you admire may yearn so much to have that which you have.

So why don't you start appreciating yourself?

I know you are better than you think you are, just make your body, soul and spirit ooze it for all to see.

'If you want to be a Millionaire, think like a Millionaire.'

I love you.

VALENTINE'S DAY!

2008-02-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

This period is the most infectious. Just like the yuletide, you perceive 'love' in the air. Gift shops are filled with people shuffling shelves for presentable gifts to offer their beloved ones. Ladies who had doubted the sincerity of their men look forward to the 'D-day' with both fear and excitement, Playboys rack their brains for possible excuses to give their numerous preys, lovers look forward to giving their their best to their loved ones; either via gifts or with the union of their bodies.

Valentine days reek of all forms of love. Agape, Erotic or the 'just friends' love.
My heart palpitates as the 'day' draws near...

The big question is, Do We Really Love on Valentine's Day?

Many have bought sexy lingeries and erotic perfumes to wear on 'that day', these are so nice but are we not missing out something?

This blog should be glittering with all sorts of love poems one could think of. Ones you could send to your loved ones, just to let them know that you care.
This blog is basically about 'LOVE'.

BUT...

There are a lot of people who would give anything to be smiled at everyday. They are human beings like us, it's just sad that fate had to put them in their present predicament.
Most of us were born into homes filled with love. As a matter of fact,many looked forward to the day they would see the beautiful bundle of love that had been hidden from human eyes for nine months(us). There were lots of flowers, bibs and baby gifts given to our parents to welcome us into the world. People carried us in turns.

This is not the same with everyone. Some babies were born into the world, rejected.
Some of these babies were hated from the day they were confirmed alive. Some of these babies never had the 'loving motherly cuddling' babies receive, most of these babies were dumped in hideous places which culminated in various infections that left them sickly. Some were mutilated as foetus that they are presently disabled. These babies just like every baby stretch out their arms, yearning to be carried and appreciated like other babies. These babies starve because only few people remember they exist. These babies yearn for your love this Valentine's day.

How about the beggars on the street. Some walk past them, wringing their noses at the supposed 'gory' sight. They are human beings like You and I. These people don't experience the joy we do. They don't enjoy the luxury we enjoy. I doubt they know what Chicken tastes like. On festive days, they remain at the same spot you see them, begging for alms, only to be given #5 or #10.

The hospital beds still have patients writhing in pain, even on Valentine's day.
Some of them feel left out. Some of them depend on artificial oxygen to breathe, some virtually live on medications, some o them have been left behind by relatives that feel they've had enough of their complaints. These people need your love.

Valentine's day is a beautiful day. I am glad a day was set aside to 'love'.
While shopping for your Valentine gifts, how about buying a 'little something' for either the 'motherless' babies, the beggar on the street or something sweet for someone you don't know at a hospital.

This is one of the ways you can touch people's lives on Valentine's day.
You will not only place a smile on the face of the person you give to but also on God's.
Who knows, you may be giving God something this Valentine...

'When i was hungry you gave me to eat, when i was thirsty...'
'Lord when did i see you hungry and ofFered you food?'
'Surely, as you did to men, YOU DID TO ME!'

LET US SHARE LOVE THIS VALENTINE'S DAY and beyond.

I wish you a lovely Val's day.

WHEN YOU FEEL HATED BY ALL...

2008-01-31T10:05:00.000-08:00

AS UNBELIEVABLE AS THIS SOUNDS, IT DOES HAPPEN.
IT REMINDS ME OF THE LINE IN THE MOVIE 'FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS.'

'I USED TO WAKE UP SOME DAY AND WISH I'D STAYED ASLEEP, 'CUZ I WENT TO BED FEELING ON TOP OF THE WORLD, TODAY IT SEEMS THE WORLD'S ON TOP OF ME...'

IT DOES HAPPEN.
YOUR FRIENDS TURN THEIR BACKS ON YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN.
YOUR PARENTS SEEM NOT TO BELIEVE IN YOU ANY MORE.
THE WORLD DOES NOT APPRECIATE YOU.
YOUR COLLEAGUES AT WORK JUST GET PISSED AT YOU
OR AT SCHOOL, YOUR ROOM MATES ARE ON YOUR CASE.

I KNOW THAT FEELING...

1.

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, get up and face reality.

Who cares! Let them feel what they choose. Even if you play a toy in their hands,they will never treat you better than you treat yourself.
No one has the right to make you feel sad, only you do.
So are you going to give people the key to your emotions to manipulate it against you?

YOU ARE THE APPLE OF GOD'S EYES.
IF THE ONE WHO HOLDS THE WORLD IN HIS HANDS IS MADLY IN LOVE YOU,
WHY LET THE OPINIONS AND FEELINGS OF MERE PEOPLE BOTHER YOU?

1. THIS IS THE TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU'VE EVER DONE!

2.
REDISCOVER YOURSELF.
Make goals for yourself. When you try hard and work toward those goals, you will feel happy when you accomplish them. Go out and have fun and do positive things in life. You will start loving yourself. And once you love yourself, who cares about who loves you or not?

3.GOD GAVE YOU AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THROUGH A FRIEND THAT DWELLS INSIDE OF YOU.

I may not know how exactly you feel but unbelievable as this sounds,
you have another being inside of you who feels the pain you go through. You just have to activate his service and he will come to your rescue. You know, it's only those who feel what you feel that are in right position to advice you.
But this person dwells inside of you.

HE IS THE HOLY SPIRIT.
There is a voice inside of you that tells you what to do and if you fail to do it, you regret it. There he is!

He can be more than a voice to you if you let him.
Accept the Lord Jesus into your life and ask the Holy Spirit to come be your friend.
He is a gentle man. He won't rush up on you except you ask him to.
All you have to do is ask him to be all you want him to be.
A Friend, A Brother, A Father, A Mother? Anything!

The world that feels you are not just 'it' will see a new beauty in you; when He becomes your Best friend and they will yearn for you but the truth is,

YOU WILL THEN BE A DIFFERENT PERSON.
MORE CONFIDENT,MORE BEAUTIFUL OR HANDSOME,
AND NOW WITH A NEVER FAILING FRIEND, A NONE BETRAYING FRIEND,
A FRIEND THAT WILL NEVER LET YOU GO WRONG.

CALL ON HIM NOW AND ASK HIM TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU DON'T NEED A LONG PROCESS.
A SINCERE WHISPER WILL DO IT.

I LOVE YOU BUT HE LOVES YOU MORE!

GOD BLESS YOU!

DEALING WITH A JEALOUS LOVER.

2008-01-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

HERE IS AN ISSUE THAT HAS RUINED MANY RELATIONSHIPS.
You are dating a guy and the first commandment he gives you is
'THOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER MAN BESIDES ME. EITHER A FRIEND, A COUSIN, AN UNCLE EXCEPT YOUR FATHER.'
And you chuckle thinking it's a joke, only to be embarrassed by him whenever he sees you with some other guy.

OR

You have this lovely girl who seems to be the kind of lady you would love to take home to Mama but for her constant misbehaviour; She gets really physical with any girl she sees around you. What would you do?

You, who couldn't tolerate a boyfriend/girlfriend who went ballistic every time you glanced at another man/woman, are doing just that. And if you think your jealousy will keep him/her loyal, get real; jealousy tears relationships apart, as it will soon do to yours.

Below are 10 sage tips for keeping your distrust in check. But remember; although you're the one who's overreacting, his/her actions play a part in your reactions. Any of these techniques could backfire if employed without due care and prudence. You have been warned.

Number 10 Ask yourself why you're jealous

First, you have to get to the root of your feelings. The way you react to things has been wired into your brain over time, as your collective experiences shaped your character. Let's break them down and see which one resembles you:

Past experience: Your last girl cheated on you, and you've been on high guard ever since.
Projection:
You're a player yourself, dawdling amongst the womenfolk, so you assume that she's going behind your back as well.

You drink or take drugs: Yeah, toxic substances have that grating little side effect of making you a paranoid freak.

You're not used to a social woman: A woman who's always around friends, both male and female, is a foreign concept, therefore untrustworthy.

You're insecure: Let's face it; you don't think you're good enough for her, so you go crazy with the thought of losing her.

You're a pessimist: You think that all good things must come to an end, and this one surely will. That is, unless you make an ass of yourself trying to prolong it with excessive protection.

She told you about her past: So she's an experienced one and her old flames are still in town. The thought of her sleeping with ex-boyfriends drives you nuts.
She always wants to have sex with you:
Here's one you didn't expect, but her uncanny sexual appetite gets you green-eyed. You fear that if you're not around, she'll want to have sex with another guy.

Number 9

Have her turn the tables
Nothing like a mirror to make you see how silly you look. If you're the controlling type who calls her every hour to inquire about where she is, have her do the same to you.
After a few days of incessant and irritating check-up calls, you'll realize that it's annoying and irrational. You'll see that not being in your sight 24/7 really isn't that big a deal.

Number 8 Speak to her friends & family

Talk to the people who know her best sincerely and candidly. Ask them in a non-confrontational way to talk about your girl, and let them reassure you what a good woman you have.

Also try hanging out with her friends to know more about that part of her world (i.e. the world without you). Maybe you'll see that, hey, they're not all two-timing tarts like you once thought.

Number 7 Face your fears
If you think that each second away from you is a man-tasting party, go out with her and see how harmless her nights out really are. You should meet all her friends, especially her guy friends. The cold hard facts will keep your imagination from scuttling away.

Number 6 Inquire if you're curious
Yes, you might even want to do the unthinkable and -- it's a long shot, but -- talk to her about it. Articulate how you've been feeling and she'll do her best to reassure you there's nothing to worry about. If you must, get details on her time away. So if she tells you she's working late, for example, ask with whom and how long she'll be.

I'll tell you more tomorrow, Please keep a date!

DATING TIPS.

2008-01-24T07:01:00.000-08:00

Some people fidget at the thoughts of dating. Some think aloud wondering what they will be expected to do at the date. Even though some people are used to going on dates, a different girl or guy can make theem feel like a thirteen year old going to a prom. So now ladies and gentlemen, what are the 'do's and 'donts' on dates.
Let's see...

General Dating Rules

Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.

Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.

Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.

Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.

Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.

Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.

Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.

Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.

Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.

If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.

Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.

Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.

Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to.

Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.

Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking

If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.

If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him

Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.

Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.

If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.

You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.

If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.

Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

ONLINE DATING RULES

Always let them come to you, don't chase via email

Block anyone who annoys you instantly

Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find

Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines

Remain aloof and let yourself be chased

Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt

Never provide you true email or phone details to the man

Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn

Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic

Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best

Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad

Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday

Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile

If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile

A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored

Make sure your humor levels come across in text

Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.

Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.

Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results

Always remember ladies that you are a sexy desirable woman and the world is your oyster. Always let men do the chasing and always let yourself be the chooser. Always stay safe and never risk yourself for the sake of attending a date. Always use a safe dating website like www.dachic.blogspot.com

BODY LANGUAGES

2008-01-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

This is naughty, sassy and sizzling hot!!!
Ladies, do you know your bodies can speak volumes when your mouth is mute?
Find out how!

This is the language where you don't need any words. Women have been doing it for hundreds of years - to attract the man they want. Becoming fluent in body language will ensure that you will be skilled in attracting the right man, and sending the get-lost signal to the wrong man.

Eyeing Up the Prize

The more eye contact you establish with the target, the better. Start with some sidelong glances. Then, begin with direct eye contact. Once he turns to meet your gaze, immediately lower your eyes and smile to yourself, this will tell him that you were watching him and are embarrassed that he caught you - a sure sign of interest. Next, be bold and try holding his stare, flashing a small, open-lipped smile.

If there is a man that is giving you the eye and you are not interested, look away from him and don`t look back at him again. When in conversation, looking at the ceiling and all around the room, also shows a definite lack of interest.

First Impressions Count

You leave your home ready to go to a party when you spot your gorgeous neighbor, and he doesn't give you a second glance. Why? Because you aren't dressed your best. When you enter a room, most people look to see who has come in. This is when you have to make an impression. Looking your best will make you feel your best. So make sure that before you leave your front door, look your best, and you never know you might just attract the attention of that gorgeous neighbor.

The Hand Job (no, not what you are thinking!)

Even without direct contact, your hands can send very powerful messages. There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get to know someone. Keeping your hands unclenched shows you're open to him. Using your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, locks of your hair, or the sleeve of your blouse, in a rhythmic (as opposed to fidgety) manner, can be a sensual act. And for the braver hands, try picking fluff off his jacket, touching him to punctuate a point, or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the salt.

Hands that are jammed in pockets, busy cleaning glasses, or balled in tight fists are all bad signs. Fingers tapping, drumming, pointing, or wagging are also signals to move on.

Stand Out

Your posture is one of the most telling signals you transmit. An open posture is evidence of an open person. Turning your body toward the man you're conversing with, keeping your feet flat on the floor and leaning forward are actions that show interest. As well, slightly tilting your head, crossing and uncrossing your legs, and thrusting your chest forward give the message that you are interested.

As for ways to send a man packing, crossing your arms, holding a drink high in front of you, turning your body away or resting your feet on their toes will tell a person you are not interested.

A Few Extra Tips

Hopefully by now, you have an attack plan and a clear idea of when it's time to get down and dirty, or when you're best just to wave the white flag. Here are just a few more tips when trying to perfect your body language skills:

You'll know things are going really well when you begin "mirroring" one another's body language and gestures.

Don`t tease him by offering more than you plan to follow through. This can lead to very ugly circumstances.

Chain smoking, being extremely intoxicated, or having eyes only for your plate of food will not put you in the best standing for the body language game.

If you try your hand at it, and he's not responding, abort the mission immediately.…

Following him around all night will only serve in making you look needy and desperate.

And finally, if all else fails, buy yourself a T-shirt that reads, "Looking for Love."

ARE YOU ROMANTIC?

2008-01-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

MY APOLOGIES TO THOSE WHO WOULD WRINGE THEIR NOSES AT THIS ARTICLE. I believe most of the readers will appreciate this. Some people believe they don't have a romantic cell in them; they were not given love when they were kids but who says you can't give it?
Love makes the world go round but Romance makes it stay round. now if you think you were made to be un-romantic, join me on this trip into the world of romance and tell me if your veins won't be threatening to burst it's romantic content when we are through with the trip.

Intrinsic Romance
Some things are inherently romantic, like hearts. This is very useful, because you can pile things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or thought. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it's cool, it's not romantic. For example, high powered rifles are not romantic. Science fiction is not romantic. DVD players are not romantic unless they're playing Sleepless In Seattle.

But a whole ton of things are intrinsically romantic, and you should use them to your advantage.

Cute Things
Teddy bears are romantic. Puppies are romantic. Cherubic baby archers are romantic. Those photographs where two little kids exhibit an unnatural affection for each other and only the roses are in color are romantic.

Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in cute things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are cute. The rule is simple. Small things are cute. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a smaller package than usual, get it, because there's a very good chance it's cute. The same goes for travel size shampoo, toothpaste, and so on. Find a store that sells doll house stuff, and your supply of cute things can be limitless.

Low Light
Candles are romantic. Sunrises and sunsets are romantic. Any kind of low light, you see, is romantic, hence why dinner dates after dark are more romantic than lunch dates at noon. Combine low light sources, and it stands to reason that the air of romance will be so thick, your beloved will be blind to anything else but the radiance of her shimmering knight in armor. Open the curtains on a sunset and light some candles, and you might even be able to get away with watching a football game during dinner.

Red
Red is romantic, because red is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Red roses mean, "I love you." Yellow roses mean, "Let's just be friends," which is synonymous with, "You are irritating, and I hate you." So you do not want to be wrong. Get her red roses, red ribbons, red balloons, red teddy bears, red puppies, and red tickets to the World Series, and she'll fall hopelessly under your spell.

Background Music
Background music is romantic, and note the word "background," because not just any music is romantic. For music to be romantic, it must be too soft to hear. Also, it may not be lively or funny or good. Elevator music is the most romantic genre of music out there.

Chocolates
Chocolates are not only romantic, they're complimentary. When you give a box of chocolates to your beloved, it says, "You could pig out on this tub of lard and bloat out to three tons, but you'd still be the apple of my eye." It doesn't matter if it's true -- it's the message that counts. But the real reason to give your loved one chocolates is because any loved one worth her salt will turn right around and offer you some. It's a win-win no matter how you look at it. Buy her a red one shaped like a heart, and you're in like Flynn.

Fancy Curly Things
Flair and flourishes are romantic. Whenever you get her a greeting card, get one of the ones with all the curly pink scribbles on it. When you write her letters, make the tails of the 'g's and 'y's really long and the loops in the 'd's and 'b's and 'p's really big. That's way romantic. Notice how romantic the title banner at the top of this page is? The 'R' is particularly romantic, because it's red.

The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a small red candle made out of chocolate and shaped like a teddy bear holding a heart with scribbles all over it that plays a tune when you wind it up. Toss her one of these at sunset on your way to a frat party, and you'll be able to stay out all night and still strengthen your relationship.

Impracticality
Practical things are not romantic. Why do you think blenders and toaster ovens are so notoriously unromantic? Because they have an alternative use, of course. But get her a poofy thing that sits on her dresser behind her jewelry box, never to be touched or moved again, and she'll melt in your arms.

Personal Stuff
Romance is personal. To be romantic, you must be personal and do personal kind of things. It's sort of romantic to buy a mooshy greeting card for your loved one, but to be really romantic, you should sign it. As far as birthday presents and so forth go, you can make the gift personal by carefully considering your beloved's interests and choosing a gift uniquely suited to her personality. Flowers always works.

Your Time
One of the required ingredients of romance is your time. Nope, there's no way out of it.

Blindness
An important part of romance is selective blindness. You must not acknowledge anything about your beloved that could possibly be construed as a fault. If a nightmare suddenly woke her up from a twenty minute nap after four straight days of not sleeping at all, don't even say she looks "tired." If "radiant" isn't the least of your comments about her appearance, you're sunk. If she's rude to someone without cause, prattle on about how much nerve that other person had for being such a big fat jerk. If she spilled pizza sauce on her chin, don't say a word, nor give any other indication that her complexion is amiss. Paradoxically, if she gets home, looks in the mirror, and finds it still there, she'll hate you for not telling her, so you'd better find a surreptitious way of removing it without her ever noticing -- and afterward, keep that stray globule of pizza sauce your best kept secret to the day you die.

Remembering Birthdays and Anniversaries
Remembering your beloved's birthday and your anniversary isn't so much romantic as it is a stay of execution, for surely you'll forget someday, and when you do, you'll find out how not romantic cold shoulders and tears are. Your safest bet is to find someone whose birthday is on Christmas, then marry her on New Year's Day, because nobody forgets those days.

Pet Names
To be romantic, you have to call each other names carefully crafted to make yourself and everyone around you throw up. This romance technique doubles as a passion meter way more accurate than those quarter eating machines in arcades; if you use these pet names and don't throw up, you're genuinely in love.

Here's how to construct your own pet name. Mix up the syllables "pook," "wee," "hon," "oop," and "ums," (never use the syllables "skuzz" or "elch"), rhyme a lot, and make liberal references to baked goods. For example, (WARNING! WARNING! TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!), "Sweetie Pumpkin Pookums" is a perfectly acceptable and effective pet name, as are "Moopsie Cutie," "Hunny Wunny Cakes," and, for the extravagant, "Snookie Wookum Weetie Bunny Pie." (It may seem odd to novices that cooked rodents would be romantic, but they are.) For best results, speak these pet names with a big dumb grin, an admiring gaze, and a high-pitched squeal, and follow it up with an exaggerated sigh of dreamy contentment. The most important thing to remember about this is never ever do this in front of me.

If you need help coming up with a suitable mooshy pet name, we at RinkWorks have provided a service to help. Visit Fantasy Name Generator and select "Mushy Names."

Style
Even if you get all the essentials of romance right, a lack of style could still foul you up. Try to be as "suave" and "debonair" as you possibly can, as this is the optimum romantic style. Be as much like James Bond as you can, except for the infidelity, compulsive gambling, chain smoking, and killing people parts. Be elegant, humble, refined, independent, thoughtful, responsible, compassionate, spontaneous, reputable, graceful, polite, literate, entertaining, discreet, funny, upstanding, sensitive, fun, sophisticated, pleasant, selfless, reverent, and genuine. And if you can't, fake it. And don't overdo it. Subtlety is essential. If she doesn't notice, you can always find an opportune moment to work a whispered pointer into the conversation, such as, "Notice how elegant, humble, refined, independent, thoughtful, responsible, compassionate, spontaneous, reputable, graceful, polite, literate, entertaining, discreet, funny, upstanding, sensitive, fun, sophisticated, pleasant, selfless, reverent, and genuine I am."

Better yet, follow the old adage, "Show, don't tell," and demonstrate these admirable attributes, each in turn, so she'll be sure to take notice. Wear a tuxedo, bow to the object of your affections, kiss her hand, and say, "Why did the chicken cross the road? But seriously, you are looking beautiful today, and may I suggest we adjourn and spontaneously give thanks to God while I empathize with your inner woman in private, if indeed you'd consent to receive the fervent attentions of my lowly self? And afterward, we could go to Disneyworld."

Not Having Food On Your Head
It's disturbingly common for romance counselors to neglect to mention this essential romance ingredient, in spite of how terribly important it is. Other romance guides blissfully skirt around this important tip, potentially leading their unwary followers to a fatal misstep. The unfortunate fact is that if you do everything else right but have a chicken pot pie oozing down over your ears, it's not romantic at all. It's embarrassing to the object of your affections, and embarrassment overrides romance. So when you've set the mood, the lighting, the background music, and put yourself in a chivalrous frame of mind, don't forget to make sure there are no edibles above the neck, or your efforts will be in vain.

GIVE IT A TRY, YOU WILL HAVE CAUSE TO GRIN!

HOW TO MAKE YOUR DREAM GIRL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

2008-01-10T05:53:00.000-08:00

THE GIRLS SURE DID HAVE A SWELL TIME JOTTING DOWN VALUABLE TIPS TO IMPROVE THEIR CHARMS. SUCH CHARMS THEY HOPE TO EXUDE WHEN WITH 'THE GUY'.
NOW THE SHOW IS GENDER FREE.
GUYS, IS THERE A GIRL THAT HAS BEEN GIVING YOU DEAF EARS ANYTIME YOU PROFESS YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR HER? SOMETIMES, SHE SNOBS YOU AND TREATS YOU LIKE SOMETHING REALLY DISGUSTING.
HOW ABOUT TRYING THIS TIPS AND SEE IF YOU'LL GET THE SAME TREATMENT.

Getting a girl of your dreams is much like getting the car of your dream. But unlike a car which you can always bargain for, there is nothing like a 20 percent discount in courting the girl of your dreams, she's so sweet a thing to be discounted, you dearly are in love with her and your feelings for her can only be communicated not by the words of the mouth, but by the words of the heart. Getting the girl actually depends on how big your heart is - faint heart, never won fair lady.

The first step in the heart-winning exercise for any man is to make a good impression. In your doing so, you don't have to talk, dress or do the common things that all the Toms do to get a decent girl's attention. Be unique, that's all you need. Be a man of his own style. Dress decently - indecency can make one be mistaken for arrogance; watch your language - obscene language gives the impression of immaturity, being uncultured and cheap; be a man of good habits - don't drink or smoke like any other loser.

Let her fall in love gradually. Romance is an important part of falling in love. When in College I had a crush on the most beautiful lady in our first year lot. Though all senior guys were out to get that girl, I managed to divert her attention from the other guys. I wrote her three letters without disclosing my identity and slid into her room secretly; all I said was 'Yours Secret Admirer.' The first letter contained the meaning of her name, this I got by playing around with the initials of her name to make meaning. The second was a funny message that could only be read backwards and it was all about her physique and her smartness. In the third letter I told the girl to be ready to receive a rose flower from her admirer, but only if she could be kind enough to phone him using a number that I had included in the letter. The girl did phone me that very night, and her first words to me were, "Hallo Secret Admirer." So, the story of our love affair came to be. Later she told me that was so creative of me, no one had approached her in that manner. I made her fall in love with me in the romantic manner.

Befriending and understanding the girl you are out to get is the next important thing. This is what I also did. You have to understand that as a lady, she loves to be loved, adores to be adored and needs to be needed. This will move you closer to the girl and you'll get to know what she's into, what she likes and dislikes, and what her style is. Love is built upon friendship and it always leaves individuals better off having known each other should they break up. I and my College steady were to break some time later but to date, we are the best of buddies. Be sure that bringing out the selflessness friend in you will make her create room for you in her heart.

A shoulder to lean on and some good friend that she can always turn to is all that a lady wants. Please don't hesitate to be helpful and supportive. Be that friend who rekindles her zeal of hardworking and restoring hope back into her life when she looses hope. This above all other things will make you her daily vitamin simply because you bring out the best in her in terms of personality and character. In you, she'll have found that friend whom she can open up to, share with and advice each other on the rights and wrongs, the dos and don'ts of life. Don't forget to always be there to celebrate the good times, and to lend an ear when the girl needs you to listen as a friend.

Make the girl feel special; because she's someone's friend - your friend, and let her know that she too has touched your life in a unique way like no one else could. Compliment her for her company and for being there when you needed her, when you felt sad and all alone. Show appreciations for the comfort the girl offers you and for making you smile.

In your day to day talks, share your dreams, your world, and every aspect of your life with your girl. Always dream with her, build with her, and always cheer her on and encourage her. Tell your girl how you always think about her even when you try not to think about her. Let the girl know that she's your first thing in the morning and the last thing when you go to bed at night.

Her knowing that you were thinking of her when you slipped beneath the softness of your blanket and gave in to the bliss of sweet dreams, will make her go 'my my' and her heart will sing your name all the year round.

You have to be creative and constructive to keep girl's interest in you so full of life. I remember one time I told my girlfriend to be to imagine we are both deaf and dump. We then sat opposite each other on the table and started sharing our feelings for each other using eyes and hand signs. It turned out to be some fun. There was also this time that we were in the library and we decided we are not going to speak to each other verbal, so I wrote a love note on a paper and passed it across the table to her, she replied and on and on we carried on our love on paper conversation till we almost exhausted a whole rim of paper. At sometime, I noticed that some guys sited with us on the table were enjoying our ordeal than their studies. Such are the things that made the girl embrace my world. I remember her suggesting that we play deaf and dump two years after we broke up, can you imagine that?

Never fail to phone her, even when she least expects it. I once called some girl that I was interested in at four o'clock in the morning. When inquiring of what I was doing up so early, I told her I was in thirteenth heaven, where people think of their loved ones when they can't sleep. Wow! First thing early the next morning, she was at my door with a king-sized hug for me. No matter how many dates you take her, don't make any elbow - exceeding moves after any date, just drop her home and with a friendly handshake, wish her good night. Don't kiss her when she expects you to. Your respect as a gentleman will be earned on how patient you are with her when it comes to such matters as kissing her and accessing her inner graces.

The writing is on the wall that you want her, but you can't have her just yet. Increase your demand. Try to show her that men are also hard to get at times. Make her realize that when she feels a little dizzy, a little tired, a little sad, a little sick, a lot bored and very much cold, she's actually missing vitamin you. By this time, she'll be so much into you and since love is truthful and is characterized by open and honest communication, honestly promise her your everlasting devotion, loyalty, respect, and your unconditional love for a lifetime. Prove to her that you'll always be there for her, to listen and to hold her hand, and that you'll always do your best to make her happy, and feel loved.

Remember, patience is the key to her heart; be like that gardener watching a fruit as it hangs on the tree, day after day admiring it, but, exercising tremendous self-discipline, neither feeling the fruit, nor pinching it, nor testing it to see if it is ready. And then, one day he holds out his hand and the fruit simply drops into it, ripe, warm and eager to be eaten.

The patience and self-control which you practice will make you more attractive and charming. This will qualify you as her daily vitamin and win you that heart hers.

I wish you to meet the girl of your dreams ASAP, make her fall in love with you, and make her feel the happiest girl in the world!

BY VLAD KARL.

HOW TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

2008-01-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

THIS SOUNDS CRAZY! TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT A BIT OF THIS.
NOW HOW DO YOU GET HIM SWOONING FOR YOU WHEN IN THE ACTUAL SENSE, YOU ARE THE ONE DYING FOR HIM.
HERE'S HOW...

There comes a time in your life when, even if you enjoy being single, you meet the guy that makes your heart beat faster. There is no right or wrong time to fall in love - it just happens. And then, all you want is to be around him. But, what if he doesn’t seem to care? Is there anything you can do to get his attention? Is there any way to make him yours?

Truths:

Be yourself!

The first rule to make him fall in love with you is to be yourself. If he will love you for something, let that be your special character and your extraordinary mind. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not. Don’t do anything that isn’t you. He’ll find out that you are faking as soon as you’ll be tired of pretending to be his dream woman and start being yourself. What will happen then? He might not like what he sees; he’ll feel betrayed, and he’ll probably run from you. After all, you do have enough self respect to be loved for what you really are, don’t you?

Be confident!

Being yourself alone isn’t enough. You also have to believe in yourself. Many women remain single because of their low self-esteem. I once met a girl that wasn’t that pretty, but she claimed that she could have any man she wanted. She told me, “It doesn’t matter how you look, it matters what you think of yourself.” Later that night I met her boyfriend. They were on a long-term relationship and they seemed to be happy together. This woman was acting like she was wearing an invisible crown; and it was working.

Are you too shy and don’t know how to “promote” yourself? Here is a tip: think about what your good parts are. Do you have a great humor? Then use it! Guys appreciate humor as mush as girls do!

Do not overreact!

When you like someone and you want to make him like you too, it’s very easy to make a fool of yourself. Don’t be too loud or too invisible; don’t laugh for no reason, don’t say anything that pops into your head. That usually happens when you are too nervous about what he’ll think of you - there is no reason to be so stressed. Just relax, take a big breath and act like he is one of your friends.

Look gorgeous!

First impressions are always important. Not that personality and confidence don’t count, but looking gorgeous whenever he gets to see you, will make your life a lot easier. If you are one of those girls that can’t tell the difference between eyeliner and concealer, put your face’s fate in to your girlfriends’ hands (and makeup kits)!. She will make the best of the beauty God blessed you with!

Tricks:

Be friendly - Smile and compliment him

The first step to make a guy like you is to get close to him. Who can resist the company of a friendly and happy face?

Have you ever noticed that although men compliment us a lot, we don’t do the same? Make the difference. Tell him how handsome he looks. He won’t see it coming, plus, he’ll understand you are interested (keep in mind that most of the times, guys don’t have a clue that we may like them). Jean Giraudoux said about compliments: “When you see a woman who can go nowhere without a staff of admirers, it’s not so much because they think she is beautiful, but because she has told them they are handsome”.

Listen to the boys!

I don’t imply that all men are the same, or that all see the same way, but it’s always good to take some good advice from the boys. Ask your friends if their girlfriends said or did something they liked, or hated. When you learn about common mistakes girls do during dates or during a relationship, just try to avoid doing them!

Play hard-to-get!

This is an old trick that never goes out of fashion! Make him jealous; don’t answer all his phone calls, and don’t be always available for him. Hang out with other guys too - let him believe you have many admirers. Men are competitive by nature, so he’ll fight for your attention. As soon as he does, he’ll start wondering: “Why am I jealous? Am I so interested in this girl?” You’ll know you have won his heart…

Play on your turf!

Invite him over to your place for a cup of coffee or a movie. You will feel very comfortable if you meet at your house. There are many things you can do if you stay indoors. What’s more, you can invite him to hang out with your friends. They are the people that know how to make you look even cooler than he already thinks you are! They are always in the mood to say something nice or tell some awesome stories about you.

Find out about him.

To get into his heart, you have to get into his mind first. Find out what he’s made of. Ask people that know him to discover what he likes and dislikes. Do you have something in common? Maybe you listen to the same music, or you both like to play chess. Take advantage of the information you’ve got. Challenge him in to a game of chess or start a conversation about the bands you both enjoy.

Let me tell you a brief story to justify why ‘having things in common’ is so important. I was out the other day when I overheard 3 guys in their 20’s. One of them was saying, “I met this really cool girl I think I really like. She drinks Red Bull too!” The others seemed to agree with him. I stopped and stared at them before I burst out laughing. Excuse me? What does drinking Red Bull have to do with anything? Funny as it is, every detail counts!

Get to know his friends!

To win his heart, try to win his friends first. For men, friendship is very important. Take it for granted that he trusts his friends’ opinions, and he faithfully follows their advice. If there is someone that can influence him, it will be his friends. So, the sooner you get to know them and the more they like you, the more possible it is to be with him!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2008-01-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

IT'S A NEW YEAR AGAIN.

BOY! I LOVE THE FEELING. I FEEL LIKE STRETCHING, AS IF WAKING UP FROM SLEEP. WAKING UP FROM 2007'S SLEEP. (YARNS)

THE COCK OF THE NEW YEAR JUST CROWED.
SO PEOPLE, THE YEAR 2007 IN RETROSPECT, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SOME HAD IT LOVELY, SOME HAD IT HARD BUT ALL THE SAME, THE YEAR IS GONE. ONE THING I WANT US TO THINK ABOUT IS THE FACT WE ARE ALIVE. I REMEMBER A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO PASSED AWAY LAST YEAR, PEOPLE WHO WERE YOUNG, CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL. SOME PEOPLE ENTERED THE NEW YEAR ON HOSPITAL BEDS, WRITHING IN PAIN, SOME STAYED BEHIND BARS; GUILTY AND INNOCENT. SOME LOST THEIR LOVED ONES ON NEW YEAR EVE BUT HERE WE ARE, ALIVE AND WELL. WE HAVE TO THANK GOD.

A COUPLE OF US HAD IT ROUGH, LAST YEAR. IN TERMS OF RELATIONSHIPS, FINANCE, CAREER, NAME IT. NOW, THAT SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU GIVE UP ON TRYING ANG HOPING FOR A CHANGE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE 'IT'S TOO LATE'. GET UP, DUST OFF THE DIRT ON YOUR LIFE AND HIT THE NEW YEAR WITH NEW VIGOUR AND PASSION.

MARK WHERE YOU FELL AND TRY NOT TO USE THAT ROUTE AGAIN.

IF YOU HAD A ROUGH RELATIONSHIP, VIEW IT FROM A NEUTRAL VIEW. FIND OUT YOUR FLAWS. WORK ON IT AND REPACKAGE YOURSELF FOR A BETTER RELATIONSHIP TO COME.
I BELIEVE SO MUCH IN YOU. GIVE THE YEAR A RUN FOR IMPROVEMENT WHICH WILL PRODUCE AN INNER BEAUTY STRONGER THAN YOU EVER SAW IN YOU.

I WISH YOU THE BEST THE YEAR 2008 HAS TO OFFER.

ADJUST YOUR EMOTIONS LIKE A THERMOSTAT

2007-12-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

Some people have encounter a lot of internal conflict within themselves. They yearn to be happy but believe their happiness lie in the arms of others. They may not accept this fact when confronted but if they look within, they'll discover they lean so much on others for happiness.

They care a lot about what people would think of them in certain situations more than how they would feel about themselves after embarking on solutions to such situations. I used to be one of such people. i know how it hurts to be rejected when all you want is love from others. But i later realized the truth.

If you don't love yourself, no one will love you the way you want to be loved. Our parents could be the cause of this feeling. Choosing our sibling over us in terms of love, care and confidence. They might have said you are good for nothing. That is not true. You are good for something. It's just sad enough they never saw beyond their noses.
Most of us have grown with that feeling. Some believe they can't do anything right. Some fidget when they are asked to make decisions. Instead of giving someone else the keys to your life to shuffle how about taking back the keys and re-arranging the rooms in your life your family, society and even you must have scattered. People who have made it in life don't have more heads than you do.
Here's an excerpt i got from Tom Steven's article. Enjoy!

Happiness is not caused by external conditions.
Happiness measures the harmonious functioning of our brain--
how optimally it is challenged and how much it is learning.

Overchallenge causes overarousal emotions like anxiety and anger.
Underchallenge causes underarousal emotions like
boredom and depression.

We can adjust our emotions like a thermostat
by adjusting the challenge level.
Belief in mental control seems like magic,
because that belief alone helps get control.

The six mental control strategies give you
basic tools to achieve mental control.

Learn how to CHUG-OFF

when you need to adjust your emotional thermostat.

CHOICE (Replace or convert the situation),

HARMONY (of motives through self-exploration),

UNDERSTANDING (the situation and creating a road map),

GOALS (To lower anxiety, set goals LAPDS--
lower, process, dynamic, alternative, simple),

OPTIMISM (that I can eventually be happy no matter what the outcome),

FOCUS (on the ball and ultimate concern).
Through strengthening your Higher Self and increased mental control,

YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

BEYOND FEAR OF REJECTION.

2007-12-22T04:30:00.000-08:00

WHAT CAUSES FEAR OF REJECTION? By Tom G. Stevens. Ph.D

Do you feel uncomfortable in situations such as meeting new people, speaking in front of groups, dealing with someone who is upset, having to tell someone about a mistake, or divulging your inner feelings? Fear of rejection may underlie all of these situations. If you really value other people and how they feel about you, it is natural that you would feel some fear of rejection. Whenever there is the possibility for actual rejection, most people feel some fear. Fear of rejection is increased by the importance of the other person to you, by your perceived inexperience or lack of skill in dealing with the situation, and by other factors.

However, some people suffer more intense levels of rejection for longer periods in their life than other people. Deeper issues such as those listed below may be increasing your fear of rejection.

FEAR OF REJECTION AS FEAR OF BEING ALONE
Underlying your fear of rejection might be a fear of being or living alone. You might fear ending up all alone in the world with no one who really cares.

FEAR OF BEING ALONE AS FEAR OF NOT BEING ABLE TO CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS ALONE
The thought of being all alone in the world is not in itself something to panic about. While some people panic at the thought--others delight at the thought. If you believe that you can take care of your own needs well and be happy even if you are alone, then being alone is nothing to fear. If you believe that you need others to take care of you and "make" you happy, then you are too dependent on others and their absence is something to "panic" about.

PRACTICE:
Examine the degree to which you can create your own happiness--even when alone. Examine how too much dependence on others for happiness can undermine your feelings of confidence with others and lead to fear of rejection.

FEAR OF REJECTION AS NEGATIVE FEEDBACK ABOUT WHO YOU ARE

If your self-image is too closely tied to what others think of you or how well you relate to others, then fear of rejection can be a threat to your whole self-image. That in itself can create a lot of anxiety. If you are used to defining the core of your Self or your future as "popular," "married," "well-liked," "a leader," or the like, then you threats to any of these self-concepts may create a great deal of anxiety. Or you may view your life script as being married, having children, or having a number of close friends. To the degree that any of those expectations are threatened, and you cannot see how you can be happy without them, then you will experience anxiety.

How can you overcome fear of rejection due to threat to your self-image or life script? You must define yourself and your essence in a way that does not depend upon what others think. For example, if you define yourself as someone whose main goals are to seek happiness for yourself and others; treat others kindly, honestly, and assertively; be a person of integrity; and not worry about other's reactions to you, then meeting your primary goals will not be dependent upon what others think. Your happiness will be in your control, and you will feel much more secure.

On the other hand if you define yourself primarily as someone who must be loved and accepted by others, then your happiness will be in their control and you will always fell insecure and anxious at some deep level. For more help on self-esteem, Go to Chapter 5 on self-esteem in You Can Choose To Be Happy .

PRACTICE:

(1) Make a list of at least 10 important general characteristics of yourself.

(2) Examine items on that list which are "interpersonal" in nature. How would you feel about yourself if all of these were threatened at once. Could you still love, respect, and take good care of yourself and still be a happy person? If not, then try to re-examine what changes need to take place in your beliefs about yourself to become less dependent upon others and their view of you.

FACTORS AFFECTING YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE and ATTACHMENT TO OTHERS

(The higher your "attachment," the higher your fear of rejection!)

The more emotionally "attached" you become to someone--the more important you believe they are to you--the more anxiety you will create about losing them. One of the best ways to control your fear of rejection is to not get overly attached to someone. The following factors are especially important sources of attachment that is too much, too soon.

1. HOW "SPECIAL" THE OTHER PERSON IS

--the more you want to be wanted by them, the more anxiety it will cause. Many people develop a fantasy or script about what love should be like. For example many people expect to marry their "first love," or the person that they have called their "soul mate." Letting yourself develop and fantasize about the future with a person increases attachment and anxiety about the expectations or plans not coming true. Any little event that makes the plan seem likely makes you feel elated; any event that makes it seem unlikely makes you feel devastated. You can get on an emotional roller-coaster, dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in the relationship. You may then drive the person away by being too emotional or needy.

To prevent this emotional roller-coaster, don't develop the expectations prematurely. Don't fantasize and plan for the future prematurely. Always know that it may not work out and have alternative plans that you know you can be happy with.

2. BELIEVING ONLY ONE PERSON IS RIGHT FOR YOU

The fact is that many people who thought someone was the only person for them and thought their life was ruined because they could not be with that person later found someone else with whom they were much happier. Remind yourself that, no matter how much you may feel that is the only person for you, you can be wrong!

3. HOW CONFIDENT YOU ARE IN YOUR ABILITY TO HELP CREATE A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

The less confident you are that you can create a happy relationship or get a person like you want, the more likely you are:

(1) to pick someone with whom you will not be satisfied. Or you may wait for others to approach you. People who tend to use or dominate you may be the very type of more outgoing people who will seek you. Then you may later wonder why you keep getting into relationships with people who don't treat you well. Learn to be active in the process of meeting others and getting involved in a relationship. Keep the initiation of mutual activities closer to a 50-50 level, and don't just go along for the ride when you are seeing red flags.

(2) to pick someone who "needs" you to take care of them, because they do not take care of themselves well. Frequently in a codependent relationship, the codependent partner believes his/her "weak" partner is so dependent upon them that they will not leave them. The codependent partner may also believe that he/she is not very attractive and believes he/she could not attract someone as attractive as this irresponsible partner if the other was not so needy. They are not willing to risk finding someone who is not needy, who would only want them for how much they enjoyed being with them.

They are afraid no one they would want would really be attracted to them or stay with them. If you are one of these people, it is important to test that assumption. You probably have many other desirable qualities another would love that you don’t appreciate about yourself. See the section below on "stereotypes". Also, if you really believe that you do not know how to create fun and happiness for yourself, you may want to work on that. That could make a difference in attracting a more fun loving, happy person if that is the type of person you want.

4. SHARING EVENTS--ESPECIALLY CONVERSATIONAL AND PHYSICAL INTIMACY

Sharing life events increases attachment. Just being together in a variety of circumstances seems to build some degree of closeness. However, sharing important life events, sharing of one's innermost feelings and thoughts, and physical intimacy are powerful forces that can lead to very strong "attachment" (to the degree that these events are positive). If you have gained a high degree of intimacy, that is great! However, it does not mean that you can't find it with someone else. On the contrary, it means that you have learned how to be intimate, and your chances are very high that you can find at least that much intimacy again. Most often people move into better--not worse--relationships after one has ended.

SUMMARY:

Some "do"s and "don't"s to keep from getting too attached too early.

Constantly remind yourself, "I want to control my anxiety and fear of rejection. Don't get too attached too early."

Question thoughts like, "This is the only person I can be happy with." · Don't fantasize about the future with this person.

Avoid sexual involvement that is too early (before strong, reciprocal relationship factors are satisfactory).

Don't focus all your thoughts and fantasies on this one person--especially before you have established a strong dating relationship. Fantasize about a variety of people (even movie stars, or imaginary people) so that you relate to this person as a real person--not as a fantasy.

WHO IS THE "RIGHT" PERSON FOR YOU--

WHO WILL REALLY WANT JUST YOU?
RELATIONSHIP INTIMACY
HIERARCHY
There are many levels of closeness and intimacy with other people. Examples include: marriage, closest family and friends, close friends, friends, friends for specific needs (eg. work, bowling, church), acquaintances. There are many differences between different levels of intimacy. The amount of physical and communication intimacy, time spent together, commitment, sharing, helping each other, etc. will vary with each level.

Every person you contact in your life has some maximum potential level for achieving intimacy with you. This maximum level will depend upon many factors. Many people have the potential for lower levels of intimacy (such as acquaintance), but few have the potential for the highest levels (such as marriage). The fact that a person only achieves a certain level does not mean that the relationship "failed"--it merely achieved its maximum potential level of intimacy and could go no further.

IT'S OK THAT MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DATE ARE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON

How many people out of 10,000 people in the appropriate age and sex group would you really want as your "significant other"? How many are really right for you? Most people you meet/date will not be a good enough match, so why beat yourself up when the relationships end. The relationship was almost certainly a mismatch.

Instead, try to understand the reasons the relationship ended. To what degree was it due to differences between the two of you? If the reasons partly include that you haven't acted in ways consistent with your own standards for yourself, then change your thinking and actions for the next person .

THERE ARE MANY "RIGHT" PEOPLE

If you believe that only one person is "right" for you, then you will become extremely dependent upon that person. Putting a person on a pedestal like this will most likely lead to dependent feelings and behavior that actually causes both of you to be unhappy. You may try so hard to please and keep that "person you can't live without" that you end up losing your sense of freedom to be yourself and giving up your own happiness. In turn you will become increasingly unattractive to your "pedestal" person.

THE MAIN FACTORS CAUSING A PERSON TO WANT TO BE WITH YOU ARE INHERENT IN WHO YOU ARE!

Even though this may seem obvious, this is a very powerful statement! The factors that affect how much one person is attracted to another include the following:

General beliefs and values: cultural, religious, moral, political, family, sexual, etc.

Background: culture, family, career, education, organizations, etc.

Relationship factors: previous history, control style (dominant-submissive or assertive), problem-solver, conversational style, empathy, independence-dependence, emotional expressiveness, playfulness, romantic style, liberated-traditional sex roles, etc.

Interests: career, cultural, music, sports, education, romantic, etc.

Personal characteristics and habits: honesty, responsibility, ambition, achievement, caring/understanding, openness, emotionality, independence, self-esteem, positiveness, cleanliness, orderliness, stability, assertiveness, adventurousness, sense of humor, etc.

Personal problems and bad habits (big TURN-OFFs to almost everyone): addictions, dishonesty, cheating, withdrawal, suspiciousness, irresponsible, cruel, aggressive, extremely dominating or needy, emotionally out of control, etc.

The above factors are the kinds of factors that will be the major determinants of whether you and another person will be happy together. Most of these factors are determined by parts of yourself that are highly stable over many years. You probably don't want to change most of these aspects of yourself. If you just act naturally, you will reveal these true aspects of yourself to your partner (and vice-versa). Your partner will accept or reject you on the basis of how well these factors match their own factors (and vice-versa). Therefore it should be clear that nature tends to bring people together or apart on the basis of who they really are, so why try to hide?

Research and clinical experience shows that overall, the more alike partners are-especially in aspects important to the partners-the more likely the relationship will succeed and be happy.

If your partner is "right" for you, he/she will like you as you really are, and they will be attracted to you. Out there somewhere are probably many potential partners who are a lot like you! These are the people who will be naturally attracted to you. Think about it for a minute. How would you feel about being with a partner who is a lot like you in most important aspects?

HOW DO YOU ATTRACT A PERSON WHO IS "RIGHT" FOR YOU?

CREATING A HAPPY YOU, CREATES A CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU

Learning how to create your own happiness alone is a key part of building self-confidence and overcoming fears of rejection and loneliness. As long as you do not believe that you can create your own happiness and enjoy life alone, then you will be less confident and more dependent on others' creating your happiness. This dependence makes being in a relationship much more important, and therefore increases anxiety about being alone and increases fears of rejection. For example I have had many clients who thought they could only be happy if they get married and have a family. Yet some were fearing age would overtake their ability to have children, and no partner was in sight. They developed a terror of not having their happy family dream come true and living their lives alone. That fear caused a desperate need to marry. They became very "needy," manipulative, and scared potential partners away. As their desperation rose, their chances sank.

They escaped the catch by learning how to be at peace with the thoughts that they might never be married and might live alone the rest of their lives. They learned how to take care of themselves and how to be happy alone. The irony is that once they didn’t need marriage so much, they were much more likely to get married. Because now they were less fearful and "needy" and more confident and relaxed.

How to become happier alone. If you don't have many interests which you enjoy alone, it is important to begin exploring and finding more. If you have few interests that you can do alone, because you have spent most of your life either with other people or doing what others wanted you to do, then it is especially important for your own independence that you explore new potential interests. You can learn to like activities you currently don't like. Remember this, if many other people love this activity there must be some fun in it. All you need to do is learn how to enjoy it.

Many activities are difficult to enjoy until you have learned the basics about how to participate in them. Most sports are that way, but even music and the theater can take some time to appreciate. Don't give up easily. Give the new activity a chance over a reasonable period of time.

Many people hate to do things alone, so they refrain from activities. A common reason is that they are afraid of what others will think about their coming alone. However, if you continue to do activities alone, you can eventually desensitize yourself to most of those fears.

Career interests, sports, music and the arts, reading, entertainment events, hobbies, do-it-yourself projects, taking classes, walks, shopping, bike rides, or taking oneself out for dinner are but a few examples of activities people do to entertain themselves.

Initiating activities with other people and joining organizations are examples of ways that you can create your own happiness with others without being in an exclusive relationship.

Finally, if you are generally happy and enjoy life, your positiveness and happiness can help them be happier as well. And that will make you more attractive to anyone who wants to be happy themselves..

CREATING A HAPPY OTHER, CREATES AN ATTRACTIVE YOU

You are attractive to another person to the degree that that person perceives you as potentially contributing to their happiness. You are not responsible for their happiness, you are only being yourself and giving gift of your presence and actions. You are only hoping these gifts will contribute to their happiness. Each person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness.

PRACTICE:1) List all of the characteristics you want in another person. 2) Make a "RELATIONSHIP RESUME" which describes all of your personal beliefs, attributes, interests, communication skills, which might be important in appealing to the type of person you wish to be with or marry. 3) If you want to better create your own happiness, add exploration of new interests to your "to do" list.

=> To get a personal assessment on relationship and happiness factors go to: http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success
Return to Index

WHAT STOPS YOU FROM APPROACHING OTHERS OR BEING YOURSELF WITH THEM?

1. EXCUSES
Self-labels that prevent action. "I'M TOO...shy, heavy, boring, quiet, intellectual, much of a loner, afraid, conservative, inexperienced, clumsy, nervous, emotional, demanding, afraid of intimacy, ETC.

PRACTICE:
Make a list of the labels that stop you from approaching others or being yourself. Then take each one and decide the degree to which you intend to change it or to accept it as it is. Keep in mind that there are many happily married persons who fit all of the above descriptions and realize that, you are looking for someone who would be happy with a person just like you.

External events or commitments that keep you from pursuing a relationship now. The difference between an EXCUSE and a CONSCIOUS CHOICE is whether or not you are being honest with yourself about all of your underlying motives. If you are avoiding involvement primarily because of fear of rejection or failure, then that is very different from saying that you are doing it because you are too busy.

It is ok not to be in a relationship or looking for one. You may want to be alone now. If you want to pursue other parts of your life and develop yourself into the person you want to be, that can be very healthy for building your own self-esteem and relationship potential. When you are ready for a relationship, you will be more the person who will be attractive to the type of person you want. If you aren't happy with yourself now, you might be wise to focus on that first!

PRACTICE:
If you are not sure whether you are being honest with yourself about doing what might be helpful to improve a relationship or meet someone, try getting in touch with underlying feelings and beliefs, exploring new creative alternatives and possible outcomes. Then make a conscious decision based upon your true underlying motives.

2. STEREOTYPES OF POTENTIAL PARTNERS

Women's stereotypes. Women often say they can't find a men who can be both (1) sensitive to their feelings, romantic, loving, and fun and also (2) responsible, somewhat confident, and somewhat successful in their education and/or career. Women often think that men are "only interested in sex or the size of my breasts," "say they want an equal relationship, but are afraid of successful women". These are a few of the more common stereotypes that may fit many men, but also don't fit many others. Don't accept someone with whom you can't be happy. After all, what difference does it make if other men are that way if the man you're with isn't.

Men's stereotypes. Many men think that most women are primarily interested in money, expensive cars, restaurants, and gifts. Or, that they only want a man who is extremely good looking and charming with a good line (can make a good impression, but would make a poor partner).

PRACTICE:
Make a list of your stereotypes which prevent you from approaching others or being yourself. Identify ways that you try to put up a front to make a good impression based upon your stereotypes. For example you may believe that you have to constantly be clever and funny because that is what you think women/men are looking for. In fact you may be turning the other person off, because you are being "phoney" and not intimate about who you really are. You are making the mistake of underestimating the person you are with. You think that they can't handle honesty as well as you.

Treat potential partners as if he/she were as mature as you
and as if he/she were the kind of person you would want.
(Then you will probably be more attractive to them.)

3. LOW SELF-CONFIDENCE EVALUATION BIAS

The low self-confidence evaluation bias means underestimating how well people like you. A research study at the University of Oregon had single women evaluate their conversations with single men. The women evaluated the men on a number of variables including if they would like to go out with them. To their surprise low-frequency dating men performed just as well as high-frequency dating men in actual ratings by the women. However, the low-frequency dating men UNDERESTIMATED how well the women liked them, and the high-frequency dating men OVERESTIMATED how well they were liked. This became a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY. The men who overestimated how well they were liked would go ahead and ask the women for a date, while the ones who underestimated how well they were liked, didn't.

Conclusion: If you have low self-confidence in how others perceive you, then you are probably UNDERESTIMATING how much they like you. As a result, you don't approach people as much as you would like. If you start OVERESTIMATING their reactions, you may approach more people and have greater success..

INTERNAL CHANGES TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCES
FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

FOCUS ON THOUGHTS SUCH AS THE FOLLOWING:

You can create your own happiness and take care of yourself-You don't NEED (must have) anyone else to do it for you. .

Love yourself unconditionally the way you are. Even though you may never be the person you would ideally like, learn to let go of "shoulds." Instead (1) replace the "shoulds" with "wants," and (2) learn that your basic self-worth begins with loving yourself unconditionally because you are alive and a human being. You can love yourself despite any imperfections and accept those imperfections as part of yourself. You can also believe that someone like you could love you the way you are now (despite any imperfections), you don't have to wait until you are prefect before you seek a relationship. Go to self-esteem chapter.

Attempt to focus on being your "higher self" while dealing with other people (vs. trying to be what you think others want you to be). Putting your higher self in control means choosing to think and act out of empathy and love for self and others, seeking happiness for self and others, seeking win-win solutions, etc. Go to higher self chapter.

Seek those who will like you as you really are. Choose to be closest friends with those who know all about you and like/love you the way you are. Reveal your inner feelings and thoughts more honestly with potentially close friends. This openness will show confidence and acceptance of yourself, reveal trust in the other, and serve as a test to see if the other can accept you as you are. If they can't accept you as you are, then they don't make very good candidates for close relationships. (Don't be so open and honest with people you have reason not to trust.)

If you have been successful before, you can be successful again. If you are feeling discouraged about finding someone or feeling bad about yourself and if you have had close friends, relatives, or relationships in the past, remember that at least one other person liked you the way you are. You know you can develop another relationship at least as good as one of those. If you have grown since then, you will probably have a better relationship.

You may want to change for yourself. If you think you aren't yet the person you believe will attract the kind of person you want, then perhaps you need to make your first priority becoming that person. Focus on being the person you want to be as much as possible.

The person you are or want to be will be very attractive to the type of person who is "right" for you. Would you be attracted to someone else who also was like you?

THOUGHTS and ACTIONS TO OVERCOME FEARS OF REJECTION and
INCREASE CHANCES FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

HAPPINESS RULE

Try following the happiness rule: Seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support your being the person you want to be. Many of these people will be similar to the type of person you really want to be. Avoid spending too much time with people who take away from being that kind of person.

SELF-SELECTING RULE

Follow the self-selecting rule: Be the person you really want AND tell others your true inner feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are "right" for closer relationships from those who are not. For example, if you meet Sally (who is not potentially a close friend) and hide who you really are from her, it may take her a long time to find out what you are really like and reject you. In this case you have both wasted a lot of time. If you present yourself honestly and openly from the beginning, you will attract or repel people much faster. This saves a lot of time.

Incidentally, a bonus of this approach is that most people prefer honesty and the self-love and self-confidence that openness reveals, so you may be more appealing to more people.

GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN

Focus on your actions not their reactions. An important lesson about anxiety is that when we focus on external outcomes that are beyond our immediate control, we give up control of our emotions and will begin to feel anxious and helpless. The same is true in meeting people, approaching people, talking to people, trying to help people, trying to entertain people, etc. If you focus on their evaluation or approval of you, spending time with you, giving back to you, or any other reaction outside your control, you increase your anxiety and helplessness.

Therefore, focus on approaching people, being friendly, your talking and listening, your openness and honesty, your assertiveness, and your thinking positive thoughts. You can control what you think and do. The result will be that you are setting attainable goals that you have control over. Knowing that can give you peace.

In the long run, you may not want invest much energy in a relationship if you do not receive enough of what you want. However, in the short run, focus on your actions as ends in themselves to "practice your act" and be the kind of person in a relationship that you want to be. Eventually others will respond positively as you get better at it and as you approach the right people.

Also, say this to yourself, "My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)--since it is now theirs." It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.

INVITATIONS AS GIFTS

Do you ever feel anxiety about inviting someone to do something with you? If so, try viewing your invitation as a gift in the spirit just discussed above. It is a gift in two ways: (1) it is a compliment to the other person that you care enough about them and find them attractive enough to give the invitation and (2) your time is a gift which is offered to them. Thus even if they reject the offer to spend time together, they still have received the gift of the compliment. Accordingly, start stating your invitations more as compliments." EXAMPLE: "Mark, I've really enjoyed talking with you, I would really like for us to get together again soon." This is a very effective and efficient way to give an invitation.

ASSERTION TRAINING

Learn the difference between non-assertive behavior ("I lose, you win"--passive, indirect, avoidance); aggressive behavior."I win, you lose"--dominating, controlling, selfish); and assertive ("win-win"-caring, calm, understanding, diplomatic, honest, but direct and firm behavior). The most successful relationships are assertive-assertive ones.

Learn how to be both an understanding listener who looks deeply into important issues and someone who can communicate my own feelings in a direct, caring, and diplomatic manner to others. Go to the free self-help brochures on Assertion training, intimacy, and communication.

CHECK OUT
University Counseling Center Self-Instructional Videos to build Interpersonal skills in MEETING PEOPLE, DATING, ASSERTIVENESS, AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Hundreds have increased their meeting people, dating, and assertiveness skills with these videotapes. Ask receptionist.

ROMANCE TRAINING

Men and women often differ considerably in their knowledge and expectations about romance. One survey found that 94% of romance novels are read by women. Women gain a lot of knowledge and expectations from their reading, watching romantic movies, and talking with each other. Many men could learn more about what women want simply by going to romantic movies, reading some romantic books, or just asking women what they think is romantic. Also, anyone can buy books that give tips about how to be romantic.

Most men feel inadequate in the romance area, but won't admit it to anyone. Instead many just belittle romance as being unimportant or avoid dealing with it by saying, "I'm not the romantic type." However, anyone can add romance to their relationships. Anyone can buy cards, flowers, give compliments, be affectionate, take someone to a romantic setting, enjoy a sunset together, learn to dance, or go to romantic movies. Above all, ask your partner what he/she wants and what he/she thinks is romantic, and then be open for developing a more "romantic" outlook and actions. It can add a lot of fun and intimacy to your relationship and make you more sexually desirable.

If you want your partner to be romantic, remember that he/she may feel insecure in that area and be very sensitive to criticism. So use a positive approach as much as possible. Tell your partner how important romance is to you, be specific about what actions you think are romantic, and praise your partner for any romantic attempt (never make fun of attempts). Say, "How romantic," not "its about time you bought me some flowers."

RELATIONSHIP RESUME'

Make your own relationship resume.
(1) It will help you become aware of what you have to offer in a relationship as well as what you want from a potential partner. It may also help you identify problem areas or areas you want to develop more.
(2) You can use this as a guide to make a plan of what you want potential partners to know about you (as soon as possible) to help "sell" you to someone who has similar values and criteria for what they are looking for. These can also be useful for answering "dating ads."

For each category below, fill in aspects of yourself that relate to that category.

BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION
Name, age, ethnic, etc.

EDUCATION AND OCCUPATIONAL INFORMATION
Accomplishments (Education, Work Experience, etc.)

Goals (major) and why

INTEREST, FUN, RECREATION Observer (TV, movies., cultural events, stereo music)
Active (aerobics, tennis, dancing, golf, biking)
Romanic (romantic walks, music candlelight, flowers, card, gifts )
Parlor games (Trivial Pursuit, cards)
Hobbies (photography, painting, computers, etc.)
Intellectual interests (science, history, literature, philosophy, religion, computers, psychology )

PEOPLE Family (all about them)
Friends & social activities, interests

COMMUNICATION SKILLS & HABITS - intimacy (openness, honesty)
- affectionate
- empathetic understanding
- assertive (friendly, fair, diplomatic)
- desire equality vs. traditional male-female

BELIEFS and PERSONALITY FACTORS -honesty/integrity
-optimism/positive attitude and point of view
-self-esteem/confident
-independent/self-reliant
-cooperative
-friendly
-sense of humor
-hard-working/motivated/ambitious
-complimentary vs. critical
-assertive vs aggressive or non-assertive
-good emotional control
-reliability
-spiritual/religious values
-material/monetary values
-family or people-related values
-career/education-oriented values
-self-development values
-giving vs self-centered
-any addictions or bad habits

How to survive the unthinkable - being rejected from a relationship

2007-12-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

Putting the pieces back together again - when 'We' becomes 'I' again

No one escapes the pain caused by rejection. Time comes when, for no obvious incident and reason, another person turned against us and throws some unkind remark. Rejection is an inevitable part of our life and it can be one of the greatest fears that can cause utmost damage to our personality and to our life. When someone rejects us, we have a propensity to feel so small, unloved, worthless, very much insecure and insignificant. We even lose our self-confidence oftentimes and worse, rejection could lead us in doing something disgraceful like some form of vengeance. But it all boils down to one thing – the truth that whoever we are and no matter how tough you may be, being rejected really hurts.

Rejection comes in various forms and may occur even in the smallest ways. But whatever the situation is, we always tend to blame ourselves for being rejected even if we know that it is the other person’s problem and not ours. The way we deal with rejection is really important in helping us uphold our self-respect and dignity. And this is the reason why there are lots of writings in the magazines, in books and even in the net, regarding how to handle rejection. Since rejection happens in many ways, info on how to handle rejection also varies. There are articles that contain steps on how to handle rejection from a loved one, how to handle rejection from significant others, how to handle rejection on dating, how to handle rejection on marriage, how to handle rejection for writers and a lot more tips on how to handle rejection from various persons and in different situations.

Unfortunately, we cannot stay away from rejection but we must keep in mind that it can be destructive only if we internalize it and permit it to go through our belief system. It is truly important to be equipped with knowledge on how to handle rejection because it will help us accept ourselves. Aside from that, learning the correct way on how to handle rejection can help us easily overcome the feeling of being worthless, lack of self-esteem, and our failure to build healthy relationships with other persons.

Being rejected is really a painful experience that can oftentimes stop us from doing the things that we have to. So if we you want to learn how to handle rejection, here are some steps. Have confidence. If you consider rejection as a curse, then confidence can heal it. If you have self-confidence, then you are organized, and you feel good about yourself so you don’t have to worry on what other people will think about you. This means that the more confident you are, the better you will be good in handling different forms of rejection.

The next tip on how to handle rejection is to have time to reflect and think of new perspective and inner learning. Bear in mind that if someone rejects you, he or she has been rejected before. And dumping you is just a sort of defense mechanism. It is also important to know yourself. Know your weaknesses and maintain your sense of humor, your open perspective and your bubbling confidence.

Writers are among those who always suffer the pain of rejection. But there are also many ways on how to handle rejection for writers. You can be a better, a stronger and more effective writer if you equip yourself with some steps on how to handle rejection from an editor or other persons. First, remember the reason why you write. If you do it because you need to say something or simply because you are enjoying it, and you don’t have intention to publish it, then rejection can’t be a problem. The next step on how to handle rejection for writers is to study your “rejected” manuscript very well. If it needs more time and work, then give your piece of writing the scrutiny it deserves.

If you want, you can ask a trusted writer friend or an editor to critique your manuscript and give constructive criticism. Revise your work if it needs to and submit it to a new publisher. Be confident and consider rejection as a challenge. Another vital thing in learning how to handle rejection is to bear in mind that editors have dissimilar needs and tastes. So you don’t have to listen to everything they say.

Since we all hate being not liked, studying various means in how to handle rejection is a must. It takes away the feeling of wanting to crawl back into our shells until we feel good and stronger again. Also, internalizing these steps on how to handle rejection help us feel good about ourselves.